“Men are the fleas in the gray beard of God, and I’m just itching to meet Him.” — Jarod Kintz Gray Beard Copy Share Image
“Today likes to happen before tonight. Impatient, I guess. ” — Jarod Kintz Impatient Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a smothering agent, sort of like an employee of the NSA. ” — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.” — Jarod Kintz Enslave Copy Share Image
“You don’t need my approval to disagree. But I’m sure you agree—and I’m sure you agree.” — Jarod Kintz Agree Copy Share Image
“Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.” — Jarod Kintz Abstain Copy Share Image
“Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.” — Jarod Kintz Politicians Copy Share Image
“You do an amazing job at work, doing work that is your job. Thank you for being a part of Team Redundancy! ” — Jarod Kintz Amazing job Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“I thought I ran over a politician’s dog, but when I discovered it was his wig, I was disappointed.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and… — Jarod Kintz Attract Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom!… — Jarod Kintz Digging deep Copy Share Image
“For breakfast I want a bowl of sugar with some corn flakes sprinkled on top. Then I want to make sweet love… — Jarod Kintz Corn flakes Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in a knee replacement surgery, to build back the wall separating man from a sub four-minute mile.… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“If people lived to be a thousand years old, there’d be extreme inequality, based not on class like now, but on genetics.… — Jarod Kintz Inequality Copy Share Image
“It may seem like good is always reacting in response to evil, and evil always makes the first move, but if the… — Jarod Kintz Evil Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to keep an iceberg warm. People are so selfish and want to stop global warming. Well, if… — Jarod Kintz Global warming Copy Share Image
“You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Why celebrate my birthday? My birthday is the product of two people’s—my parents’—hard work. I can’t celebrate what I didn’t earn. However,… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“She’s beautiful, but she’s also got brains. I’ll bet zombies would love to eat out of her skull like a bowl of… — Jarod Kintz Brains Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to liven up urinal chatter. Also, instead of just repeating “Yeah” while the guy peeing next to… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“My day starts like a regular guy’s. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat.… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Are you cool enough to live on Me street? It’s a one-way street, you know.” — Jarod Kintz Cool Copy Share Image
“I care for her about my mom like a Maggie (three Donalds per serving).” — Jarod Kintz Serving Copy Share Image
“Me and my girlfriend aren’t a good fit. Her clothes are much too small for me.” — Jarod Kintz Clothes Copy Share Image
“I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.” — Jarod Kintz Rallying Copy Share Image
“I am the alligator of love. But I’d make better boots than a lover.” — Jarod Kintz Alligator Copy Share Image
“A woman in a box—a great gift for the husband who has everything.” — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“Being an only child makes me the oldest child and the youngest child. And the middle child.” — Jarod Kintz Child Copy Share Image
“The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“An ear shaped like a question mark is not receptive to life’s answers.” — Jarod Kintz Answer Copy Share Image
“The picture is grainy. But that’s to be expected when photographing bread.” — Jarod Kintz Photography Copy Share Image
“My asshole smells like a paper mill. Three cheers for being a writer.” — Jarod Kintz Positive Copy Share Image
“I am the sunrise of sunsets, and I make love like noon at midnight.” — Jarod Kintz Good morning Copy Share Image
Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling. — Jarod Kintz Amazing feeling Copy Share Image
“When two are united as one, I’ll be there. And so will someone else.” — Jarod Kintz United Copy Share Image
