“There’s a hair in my soup. That’s the problem of using my helmet as a bowl.” — Jarod Kintz Helmet Copy Share Image
I may not be a horse whisperer, but I certainly can and do shout at unicorns. — Jarod Kintz Unicorns Copy Share Image
“I have bread, water, and love—what more can a man ask for? How about pasta, wine, and sex.” — Jarod Kintz Bread Copy Share Image
“I’m a competitor. I once placed fifth in a bottle of whiskey.” — Jarod Kintz Competitor Copy Share Image
“I’m thinking ahead to how I’ll be thinking back to me thinking ahead in this moment.” — Jarod Kintz Ahead Copy Share Image
“I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.” — Jarod Kintz Just realized Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else’s nametag. I make love like Todd. At least… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing I like better than a beautiful sunset. Except maybe a gorgeous sunrise. And a naked woman painted pink and orange… — Jarod Kintz Beautiful sunset Copy Share Image
“If yes is the new no, no is the new maybe, and maybe is the new yes, then my answer is definitely… — Jarod Kintz Maybe Copy Share Image
“I like wearing earth tones, and ties with little shovels stitched on. I stitched them on myself.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Me mating with a midget is like a skyscraper having sex with a cathedral. But still I’d like to try. Just not… — Jarod Kintz Having sex Copy Share Image
“To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can't tell you. What part about secret don't you… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“If love had a pulse, like a heartbeat, would you find yourself oscillating like an isosceles triangle at the righteousness of a… — Jarod Kintz Justice Copy Share Image
“Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the… — Jarod Kintz Astronomy Copy Share Image
“We’re different, you and I. I am a Rorschach Test, and you, you are a butterfly. No, wait, you are a bat.… — Jarod Kintz Galapagos islands Copy Share Image
“I drove 30 miles to buy some breath mints before I realized I had some already in my pocket. Then it took… — Jarod Kintz Breath Mints Copy Share Image
“I want to name one of my kids “I’ll-Have-A-Large-Cheeseburger.” That way, when I show up at McDonald's with my kids and the… — Jarod Kintz Cheeseburger Copy Share Image
“More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I'm a year older than 365 days ago, and I'm having trouble bending my knees and my lower back is killing me.… — Jarod Kintz 365 days Copy Share Image
“I know that man started animal husbandry thousands of years ago, and I think it’s disgusting. Men and animals should never be… — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to foretell the future. Here’s my prediction: Tomorrow will happen. If I’m right, the brick was correct,… — Jarod Kintz Future Copy Share Image
“I want to go to Sing Sing prison. I’ll bet they’ve got a good chorus.” — Jarod Kintz Chorus Copy Share Image
“Sword and words—same letters, and same ability to cut down.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Grand and Ed, but I don’t take them for granted. ” — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“Whether you’re being good, or you’re up to no good, try not to look guilty.” — Jarod Kintz Good Copy Share Image
“My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I was part of a focus group once, but to be honest, I couldn’t concentrate.” — Jarod Kintz Concentrate Copy Share Image
“I'm full of surprises. I'm also full of semen—and sometimes that's the surprise. ” — Jarod Kintz Semen Copy Share Image
“If a university’s colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets.” — Jarod Kintz Colors Copy Share Image
“Without an apostrophe, she’ll is just a shell. And I am the turtle inside.” — Jarod Kintz Apostrophe Copy Share Image
“Things aren’t often what they appear to be at first blush. But embarrassment is.” — Jarod Kintz Appear Copy Share Image
“I’m twice as twice as the guy in second place. My love comes first.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
