“My leadership style can be summed up in one word: Follower.” — Jarod Kintz Follower Copy Share Image
“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.” — Jarod Kintz 24 hours Copy Share Image
“I put the “cat” in category. And not only do I put it there, but I pet it too.” — Jarod Kintz Category Copy Share Image
“Pick a number between one to ten. Now, pick the number that you think I picked you to pick. ” — Jarod Kintz Picked Copy Share Image
“An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee cup Copy Share Image
“Don’t rub noses with a shark. It may be the last dental appointment you ever have.” — Jarod Kintz Dental Copy Share Image
“Teach a man to fish, and he can provide for others. Teach a man selfishness, and he’ll only be interested in providing… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“What I want more than a car that goes from Point A to Point B, is a car that stops. I make… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to communicate with dolphins. Be quiet! I’m trying to talk to the swimming mammals. ” — Jarod Kintz Dolphins Copy Share Image
“I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When… — Jarod Kintz Drink Copy Share Image
“The diner was more twiner than Twain, and I found a mustache in my soup. Maybe it was Mark’s. I guess that’s… — Jarod Kintz Diner Copy Share Image
“A brick could deliver the zeitgeist through the thick skull of a politician faster than any letter or email. ” — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“Would you agree with the statement: Love is a hamburger? If yes, would you like to add cheese for only 99 cents?” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“The girl of my dreams got married to someone else. But that’s OK. I don’t need her beside me to keep her… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be bunched up and used as a seat cushion. But I’d rather cut off your buttocks and use that… — Jarod Kintz Better Sit Copy Share Image
“My elementary school principal, Prince Apple, had no principles. I know, because he offered to give me candy once, in exchange for… — Jarod Kintz Candy Copy Share Image
“A brick could be dropped at the feet of your enemy, as a gift, as an insult, as a way of saying… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“Eleven levitating leviathans couldn’t spell seven if you spotted them the Even and the S. They also couldn’t spell leopard if you… — Jarod Kintz Helen Keller Copy Share Image
“Her shoes were so pink that if she stepped in bubblegum, nobody would be able to see. And my shoes were so… — Jarod Kintz Ginsberg Copy Share Image
“Five sicks people in the hospital (56). I made each one a “Get well soon” card saying I was sorry for coughing… — Jarod Kintz Coughing Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You had just died, and I was debating putting your body into either a coffin or… — Jarod Kintz Ashtray Copy Share Image
“When I was a kid, I’d leave my door cracked with a piece of lint on top, and if I came home… — Jarod Kintz False Accusations Copy Share Image
“I tell people she’s a pile of apples, and that I can’t wait to get in cider.” — Jarod Kintz Apples Copy Share Image
“This world is nothing more than fresh white underwear, and I’m going to leave my mark on it.” — Jarod Kintz Underwear Copy Share Image
“I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.” — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.” — Jarod Kintz Deodorant Copy Share Image
“You may not have said anything, but you’re right—silence is the best response.” — Jarod Kintz Response Copy Share Image
“I’ve got my hair conditioned. It’s not trained, but it is soft.” — Jarod Kintz Conditioned Copy Share Image
“My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.” — Jarod Kintz Upset Copy Share Image
“When I saw her naked, my penis went from hash brown to French fry. ” — Jarod Kintz Naked Copy Share Image
“Being buried alive in a cemetery would put me in grave danger.” — Jarod Kintz Danger Copy Share Image
“Money’s a tool, like a wrench, and until I make more I need to tighten my belt.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky? ” — Jarod Kintz Larry Bird Copy Share Image
