“It was 7 AM, so what else could I say but, “Have a great night.” Plus, he was as blind as Helen… — Jarod Kintz Helen Keller Copy Share Image
“Things just didn’t work out between us. Who knows, another time, another place, maybe things still wouldn’t have worked out.” — Jarod Kintz Another time Copy Share Image
“If a man was choking, what would I do? Well, I’d remove my penis from his throat.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ryan Lilly is a Seth Godin fan, and that says something. Being a Helen Keller fan speaks volumes about me as a… — Jarod Kintz Seth Godin Copy Share Image
“My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary—A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think people over the age of 6’2” look great. Just look at me! I was born in less than 19.82 inches.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Some people are happy to exist, and other people are happy to exit. If you’re wondering why everyone is running, it’s because… — Jarod Kintz Fire Alarm Copy Share Image
“Hemingway suggested you write the truest sentence you know. I say write the falsest one you don’t know. This is fiction.” — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“If you could smell my smile, you’d nose how bad I want to kiss you. But you can’t, and I don’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a single drop of blood trying to mix in with billions of red paint splatters in this Pollack painting called… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician. ” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I think a cool band name would be War Dwarf. Of course, I’m entirely too tall and peaceful to be a member.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The British Empire covered 25% of the earth. So the phrase “The sun never sets on the British empire” wasn’t just metaphorical,… — Jarod Kintz British empire Copy Share Image
“I wonder if the singer named Seal got his name by using his cheeks as chumming material for Great White sharks.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or,… — Jarod Kintz Steve martin Copy Share Image
“She’s the kind of woman where if you give her an inch, she’ll take the whole penis. She took all I had,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t kiss in public, unless it’s midnight and you’re both wearing black so nobody can see you’re naked. ” — Jarod Kintz Wearing black Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I’d suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For better sleep tonight, pre-order your duck fight today. It’ll give your pillow the energy you need to power slumber through to… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“Love is all around. I don’t need your leftovers, ma’am. Not unless you’re offering meatloaf.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
