“The past screams louder than the future. The future is mute, but it’s not deaf.” — Jarod Kintz Future Copy Share Image
“I wish there were a way to see through walls. Oh yeah, there is—windows. ” — Jarod Kintz Oh yeah Copy Share Image
“Can I park my horse in the handicapped parking space? It is gimpy and sort of crippled.” — Jarod Kintz Handicapped Copy Share Image
“My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.” — Jarod Kintz Angel Copy Share Image
“I second that notion. And if I had 59 more, I’d have a minute.” — Jarod Kintz Minute Copy Share Image
“I sent her a picture of an empty dinner plate, and the text said, Thinking of you.” — Jarod Kintz Text Said Copy Share Image
“I’m a poor worker. The quality of work I do is excellent, but I make no money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I am a single drop of blood trying to mix in with billions of red paint splatters in this Pollack painting called… — Jarod Kintz Blood Copy Share Image
“I wonder if the singer named Seal got his name by using his cheeks as chumming material for Great White sharks.” — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“The girl I used to love is no longer a girl, and this saddens me more than our separation. It puts my… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“If I could change one thing about myself, I’d pick a new nose, because I’m tired of picking this one. Oh, and… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to live long enough to accomplish my life. Being me for a whole lifetime will be quite an accomplishment.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Drop by and knock on my bedroom window. My room is on the 13th floor. 1-12 are numbers on a clock, and… — Jarod Kintz Bedroom Window Copy Share Image
“My shoes are scuffed and dirty from dancing. The grave of my enemy is where I go to find my inner Astaire.” — Jarod Kintz Dirty dancing Copy Share Image
“If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Orafoura’s shadow, I’d have a penny more… — Jarod Kintz Cents Copy Share Image
“I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all… — Jarod Kintz Dick Mouth Copy Share Image
“In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“If love tasted like pork, and you were allergic to Francis Bacon, could I be your Shakespeare? We could make love on… — Jarod Kintz Bacon Copy Share Image
“After dinner I wanted to talk to her about buying a clone. But that’s probably just too much for her to handle,… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Most employees are like interchangeable machine parts. When they show up to work, there is no trace of the person they replaced,… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“A guy I grew up with recently died. I attended his funeral, but only because I thought there’d be free food afterwards.… — Jarod Kintz Free food Copy Share Image
“He’s going to give me a piggyback ride home. He’s my designated walker.” — Jarod Kintz Piggyback Ride Copy Share Image
The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasnt hungry, I just wanted to call some plays. — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.” — Jarod Kintz Exit Copy Share Image
“I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.” — Jarod Kintz Billion Copy Share Image
“I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle on the anus.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.” — Jarod Kintz Ice cube Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat. ” — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.” — Jarod Kintz Tall Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to adopt your ideas, I want to give birth to them.” — Jarod Kintz Adopt Copy Share Image
“I put the “org” in organic. I also put it in orgasm and orgy.” — Jarod Kintz Organic Copy Share Image
“I’m going to go up on my way down. I’m just a sideways sort of person.” — Jarod Kintz Going Copy Share Image
“You can't put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I'd demand coupons for clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“There are 26 characters in the alphabet, and what characters they are! Especially Q.” — Jarod Kintz Alphabet Copy Share Image
