“I haven't met many lawyers that I didn't like. But then again, I haven't met many lawyers.” — Jarod Kintz Lawyers Copy Share Image
“I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a spoon—to eat, not cuddle. OK fine, you can use it to cuddle too. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“If I told you I make love like a rainbow, would you be my leprechaun?” — Jarod Kintz Leprechaun Copy Share Image
“I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.” — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“Add smoke, not fire. You want to confuse your competition, not kill them.” — Jarod Kintz Fire Copy Share Image
“The code of the coward is to run away. I know, because I wrote the manual.” — Jarod Kintz Coward Copy Share Image
“For me, it’s not about winning an award. It’s also about not even being nominated.” — Jarod Kintz Award Copy Share Image
“There’s a pubic hair in my soup. I’m pissed, because I paid for many more to be sprinkled on top.” — Jarod Kintz Pissed Copy Share Image
“Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of… — Jarod Kintz Congress Copy Share Image
“When I was a concierge, I didn’t want a guest’s gratitude. I wanted gratuity. A thank you and a warm smile are… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Those responsible for our economic depression have been found irresponsible. The irresponsible are responsible!” — Jarod Kintz Economic depression Copy Share Image
“Write your goals down on a sheet of paper. That way you can easily flip the page over and ignore them.” — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“Wine enhances your beauty by making others look at you differently. Well, so long as they are the ones drinking it. If… — Jarod Kintz Alcohol Copy Share Image
“When I golf, I use just enough strokes to create a masterpiece, like I'm a painter. The score I post up would… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Being in love is like being lit on fire and having your loved one morph into a marshmallow as she runs to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“What I like most about reading is I can read in minutes what it took the author hours to write. What I… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“All drivers run red lights the same way—with a glance in the rearview mirror to see if a cop saw them. I… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“People who collect books, and categorize them by Roy G. Biv instead of alphabetically, are displaying the fact that their books aren't… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“I had an out-of-body experience so strange that it felt normal. You see, my soul, or essence, had left my body and… — Jarod Kintz Spirituality Copy Share Image
“A blanket, when taken to the top of a mountain and laid flat, could be painted orange and used as a landing… — Jarod Kintz Aliens Copy Share Image
“The American Dream is to not have to work, so with unemployment at record levels, you’d think more people would be excited… — Jarod Kintz American dream Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to hold you back. That’s what the chains affixed to the wall are for.” — Jarod Kintz Chains Copy Share Image
“She likes her wine white, and that’s how I like my clam chowder. So chuggable!” — Jarod Kintz Clam Chowder Copy Share Image
“I made friends with the future. But I’m still friends with the past.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Personally, I’ve been here since 1982, and I’d say it’s about time for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Breakfast Copy Share Image
“I meant to spear her with my love, but bad breath got in the way. Next time I’ll spearmint.” — Jarod Kintz Bad breath Copy Share Image
“If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work.” — Jarod Kintz Coming to an end Copy Share Image
“I am waiting on a trap door, but things might fall through for me.” — Jarod Kintz Trap Copy Share Image
“Would you mind washing my feet? I’m a centipede, so it may take you a century.” — Jarod Kintz Century Copy Share Image
“Everyone owns a piece of democracy. Actually, I own two pieces, and each one has a nipple.” — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
“I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” — Jarod Kintz Dessert Copy Share Image
“He said that he said it—a second he, not a man named He. And not He-Man either.” — Jarod Kintz Second Copy Share Image
“I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed.” — Jarod Kintz Mayor Copy Share Image
“I got fat, and I decided to do something about it, so I got fatter.” — Jarod Kintz Decided Copy Share Image
