“A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to… — Jarod Kintz Honest Opinion Copy Share Image
“She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not descended from anybody. All my ancestors are ascending from me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Women are called the fairer sex. Are they just not as tan, or are they actually more reasonable?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The birds fly south for the winter not because it’s cold, but because they have wings. Similarly, love has the ultimate flight… — Jarod Kintz Winter Copy Share Image
“Today I ate my manuscript with the very spoon I used to write it with. My book was called “Chicken Noodle Soup… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“One of your siblings has got to be the dumbest. And if you’re an only child—you’re the dumb one.” — Jarod Kintz Brotherhood Copy Share Image
“I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I… — Jarod Kintz Airport security Copy Share Image
“Love has already put on its pants by the time you realize your diaper needs to be changed.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I stand to inherit a lot from my father, including high cholesterol and diabetes. Oh, and maybe a few Beatles records. Actually,… — Jarod Kintz High cholesterol Copy Share Image
“However unfortunate you may feel, there are always those less fortunate than you. I’m not talking about the homeless—I’m talking about your… — Jarod Kintz Less fortunate Copy Share Image
“I won’t bring you a single rose to be romantic, but I will point out that our relationship itself is the rose,… — Jarod Kintz Flowers Copy Share Image
“During the murder investigation, the cop said, I only have one question for you. Before she could ask it, I replied, Yes,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s money to be made with a name like Cash. I should print myself into popularity.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I’m looking for a full-time portable heat generator. Must be willing to travel. If you don’t snuggle, you must cuddle—at a world… — Jarod Kintz World champion Copy Share Image
“After they broke up, Renaldo's ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I am the sunrise of sunsets, and I make love like noon at midnight.” — Jarod Kintz Good morning Copy Share Image
“With over one billion people, I’d say China is the best place to have group sex.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wore a suit to the interview—a bathing suit. I didn’t get the job as a lifeguard.” — Jarod Kintz Bathing suit Copy Share Image
“If I were a mad scientist, I’d use a brick in an angry way. And if I were a mad scientist, I’d… — Jarod Kintz Mad scientist Copy Share Image
“There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I’d gladly make the same mistake tonight… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“When I visit England, I want to bring back the best souvenir an American can get: a British accent.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
