“The only other man I’d let see my wife’s naked body is the butcher.” — Jarod Kintz Butcher Copy Share Image
“We all make mistakes. Some just manufacture them in a factory and sell them to the public.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“A brick, in the hands of a Mason, could be used to cover up and hide a secret handshake. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I wish trash were treasure, because then I’d be a garbage collector and king.” — Jarod Kintz Trash Copy Share Image
“I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Make your vote count. Be the guy responsible for counting and tallying all the votes.” — Jarod Kintz Trump Copy Share Image
“Loneliness is the unloneliest feeling in the world, as everyone has experienced it.” — Jarod Kintz Feeling Copy Share Image
“If I give you an historical reference, am I dating myself? No, because the only way I could date myself is if… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Women get lonely, while men merely get horny. I should know, because I’d feel lonely even if I were surrounded by 11… — Jarod Kintz Women Lonely Copy Share Image
“What if leaves changed shape as well as color? You can teach a man to fish, or you can introduce him to… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“I’m a murderer. I killed the conversation. She said she loved me, and I said, “If you love me, wait until you… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I know what is wrong, I know what is right, and most importantly, I know what is left. Nothing is left, now… — Jarod Kintz Heart Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a fashion accessory. Or an accessory to murder. I believe the phrase is, "If looks could… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I’ll make a soup out of sound, and I’ll call it “Decibels.” You can get a cup or a bowl, a small… — Jarod Kintz Soup Copy Share Image
“The one benefit of Alzheimer’s is that you can keep giving them the same gift over and over, and it’s always such… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“If a man is powerful, then his rival must therefore also be powerful. The other’s prestige enhances your own. So choose your… — Jarod Kintz Immaculate conception Copy Share Image
“At first I was excited to go, because I thought I’d been invited to a net twerking event. Imagine how surprised everyone… — Jarod Kintz Networking Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as the perfect response in one particular situation. Next time someone says, “I love you,” say nothing.… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“I don't let my spaghetti dangle, or twirl it around my fork. I cut it. Of course, my preferred slicing utensil is… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“The phrase “The cat’s out of the bag” tells that a secret’s been exposed to the world. But who put the secret,… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“You vote Democrat even if you vote Republican, because they’re two sides of the same coin. So stop flipping that coin. The… — Jarod Kintz Democrat Copy Share Image
“There were two chairs, but there were three of us. So, being the gentleman I am, I got down on the ground… — Jarod Kintz Chairs Gentleman Copy Share Image
“I carry a door with me wherever I go, because one, it’s symbolic for the opportunities that’ll open up for me, and… — Jarod Kintz Door Salesman Copy Share Image
“I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield.” — Jarod Kintz Astrology Copy Share Image
“I fight with the strength of many lion meows. I love even more ferociously.” — Jarod Kintz Strength Copy Share Image
“I don’t like rejection. One jection is enough for me. No need to give it to me again.” — Jarod Kintz Heartbreak Copy Share Image
“My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.” — Jarod Kintz Sixties Copy Share Image
“I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.” — Jarod Kintz Thirsty Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I’ve come a long way in the last year. 365 days, to be exact.” — Jarod Kintz 365 days Copy Share Image
“As a person, I have to claim my persona as my own. If I don’t, my clone will do it for me.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I carry a concealed weapon—high cholesterol. It’s deadly. ” — Jarod Kintz Amendment Copy Share Image
“I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.” — Jarod Kintz Leftover Copy Share Image
“More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.” — Jarod Kintz World war Copy Share Image
“His thin accusation hung thick in the air like fog smoking a cigarette.” — Jarod Kintz Accusation Copy Share Image
