“I refuse to answer the phone, especially when it’s not questioning (ringing).” — Jarod Kintz Questioning Copy Share Image
“My date couldn’t make it to dinner, because at the last minute I backed down from asking her.” — Jarod Kintz Date Copy Share Image
“I didn’t get your letter. I did receive it, but I didn’t understand it.” — Jarod Kintz Letter Copy Share Image
“I put the lover in clover. Especially if there are four leaves.” — Jarod Kintz Clover Copy Share Image
“I want to open up a School of Cannibalism. It’ll be a feeder school for top law schools.” — Jarod Kintz Cannibalism Copy Share Image
“I always buckle up, even if I’m only walking across the parking lot.” — Jarod Kintz Parking lot Copy Share Image
“An ice sculpture in the Sahara makes about as much sense as donkey left open gaping wagon, Sergeant (add cream cheese sparingly).” — Jarod Kintz Cream cheese Copy Share Image
“The internet is a knowledge omelet. Sometimes I just want the purity of scrambled eggs that only a book can provide.” — Jarod Kintz Internet Copy Share Image
“She had a smile like tomato sauce on Tuesdays, and she made my penis feel like spaghetti in the strainer. But I… — Jarod Kintz Spaghetti Copy Share Image
“Even though I buried our love in a coffin, it isn’t dead. No, our love is very much alive. Or at least… — Jarod Kintz Buried Copy Share Image
“Randy Rowdy makes me rowdy. And randy. But Randy Randy gets me twice as horny and half as boisterous—but not for him—or… — Jarod Kintz Rowdy Copy Share Image
“She had lips like two wavy slices of crisp bacon, and her kisses felt like gravy on my scrambled eggs tongue. We… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“He wouldn’t even understand dry wit if you dropped him off in the desert with a canteen full of sand and a… — Jarod Kintz Sandberg Poem Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to determine whether you are really in love or not. But you’re never going to be able… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup?… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A good server knows how to be seen, yet remain invisible. I was a great server, and I achieved invisibility by never… — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be drenched in water, frozen, and then enjoyed like a giant cotton popsicle by prisoners of a gulag, who… — Jarod Kintz Gulag Copy Share Image
“The living have love for the dead, but the dead have no love for the living. I ought to know, because I’d… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I stood under the umbrella for hours before I folded it up and started walking. Umbrellas can block the sun, shield the… — Jarod Kintz Coffee cup Copy Share Image
“I can only think of one good reason not to kill you: because if I killed you, I’d have to bury you,… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I drive by a business that has a permanent sign that says, "Always hiring." Why in the world would they advertise the… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Michael Phelps collects huhs. Huh? His mouth said nothing, but his actions said it all.” — Jarod Kintz Michael Phelps Copy Share Image
“He didn’t fail to disappoint. He always succeeds at failing.” — Jarod Kintz Failing Copy Share Image
“Love is like a cookie. Maybe I should have ordered crackers with my condom soup.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’ll refer my clones to businesses and negotiate a better price for myself. And for myselves.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I got married at a good time, though a better time would have been 20 years from now.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“A blanket that has arms to hold you when you are sad, now that's what I call a comforter.” — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young.” — Jarod Kintz Alcohol Copy Share Image
“Deep down, I’m an introvert. However, high up, I’m an extrovert.” — Jarod Kintz Extrovert Copy Share Image
I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy. — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings. ” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“The smell of sex always reminds me of summer youth camps growing up.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“I want to get married, but first I’ll have to get a divorce.” — Jarod Kintz Divorce Copy Share Image
