“There’s nothing nine-tenths about me as a person. I’m a 100% kind of guy, at least half the time. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had an out-of-body experience so strange that it felt normal. You see, my soul, or essence, had left my body and… — Jarod Kintz Spirituality Copy Share Image
“If I run for office, my political platform will be made of wood, and it’ll be made by the people.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to save humanity from mortality. Or at least save us from mortar. ” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“One blanket, coupled with a fluffy pillow, could be implemented as a torture device for insomniacs. ” — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“Half of me wants to do it, while the other half says, No, amputate the other side of your body.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the future, I’ll be furniture. Step on me now or sit on me later, but either way let me know how… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I’m a guy who respects boundaries. I require a passport for interpersonal travel.” — Jarod Kintz Travel Copy Share Image
“Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should… — Jarod Kintz Good life Copy Share Image
“I’ve got a sizeable retirement nest egg. It’s an ostrich egg, and it’s going to make an omelet so big that it’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A backpack could be a sleeping bag for a midget—or a hatch, a hatchback.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A man with six fingers on one hand who gets his finger cutoff by the mafia probably doesn’t feel pain, fear, or… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“I practice karate moves when I think nobody is watching. It’s all part of being a real American badass, I guess. Chicks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t belong to a political party, because I don’t feel invited.” — Jarod Kintz Political party Copy Share Image
“My grandpa never read the newspaper. Not because he was particularly optimistic, but because he was illiterate. He taught me to read… — Jarod Kintz Watching tv Copy Share Image
“Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, why don’t you go all out and write… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a trumpet could be used as a murder weapon. And if the cops ask you what… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I decorated my ballsack in his honor. I wrote, “Welcome home, dad.” — Jarod Kintz Welcome home Copy Share Image
