“Love has already put on its pants by the time you realize your diaper needs to be changed.” — Jarod Kintz Diaper Copy Share Image
“My soul left my body, and my body left my clothes and went streaking through the streets.” — Jarod Kintz Spirituality Copy Share Image
“If I aged twice as fast and lived twice as long as a normal person, would I be Wisdom Man?” — Jarod Kintz Normal person Copy Share Image
“My grandpa was a grandma robber. He stole two grandmas, both of them mine. His name was Rob.” — Jarod Kintz Robber Copy Share Image
“Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.” — Jarod Kintz Best birthday Copy Share Image
“Surfers catch waves, and so do people being told goodbye.” — Jarod Kintz People Told Copy Share Image
“When everything is working out for you, it means you are in the wrong gym.” — Jarod Kintz Exercise Copy Share Image
“I planted a tree. You’d think my neighbors would be happy for the shade it would provide them, but no, they said… — Jarod Kintz Neighbors Copy Share Image
“It must be awful to be on a team with a superstar, someone much better than everyone else. At least that’s how… — Jarod Kintz Superstar Copy Share Image
I cried so hard after I put my cat to sleep. I guess I shouldnt have cried so hard, because with all… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“My motto is: If I didn’t do it first, I want to do it better. Boy, I sure hope none of my… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song. ” — Jarod Kintz Sway Copy Share Image
“1-12, how many Decembers does it take to sell thirteen to Mr. Fourteen and Mr. Months? Depends on how much love you… — Jarod Kintz Sell Thirteen Copy Share Image
“I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Bread can soak up soup, but can it soak up all my love for you? I doubt it. You’re better off cleaning… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Starbucks has odd drink sizes. I say man’s hands were meant to be cupped, so pour the hot coffee right in. But… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“The speaker was so boring that he put me to sleep. But he didn’t stop talking, so I had to wake up… — Jarod Kintz Stop talking Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to divide people. All men who oppose me should get on top of the blanket, and all… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Good thing my mother-in-law isn’t pizza shaped, because then I’d have to cut her up into eight slices and serve her to… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“If an ambulance gets in a wreck, who drives them to the hospital? Why doesn’t the hospital drive to them? I volunteer… — Jarod Kintz Ambulance Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a time travel device. I didn’t say it would work well, and you’d say it didn’t… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me F*** you. Then Ill go back to that person and… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I look at a woman’s shoes, not to tell how sexy she is, but to determine how sexy she feels.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I ate the evidence he’d been murdered. What Carl called “Kevin,” I called dinner.” — Jarod Kintz Called Dinner Copy Share Image
“I’m strapped for cash, and I’m also strapped to a chair in someone’s basement.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I’ve got to have kids of my own. If not, who’s going to ascend to my throne?” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.” — Jarod Kintz Hands Copy Share Image
“I make love with the accuracy of Joe Montana, and from a distance of up to 100 yards.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I think guns would be more effective if bullets worked like boomerangs.” — Jarod Kintz Think Guns Copy Share Image
“When I jog it’s like a dancing dog. Well, it’s more of a foxtrot.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“Make mine a weasel, I said to the crowd of mostly rodents and lawyers.” — Jarod Kintz Weasel Copy Share Image
“I want to be so successful that my secretary needs a secretary.” — Jarod Kintz Secretary Copy Share Image
“The problem with ebooks is you can’t get booger smears on the pages.” — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.” — Jarod Kintz Stretch Copy Share Image
“I want to import what’s important, and export the trivial out of my life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“When someone insults me, I simply shut down. Then I open back up at 9 am the next morning.” — Jarod Kintz Insults Copy Share Image
“There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.” — Jarod Kintz Cannibalism Copy Share Image
“I got my spring cleaning done early this year. I did it over the summer.” — Jarod Kintz Spring Copy Share Image
