“No matter how hard I try, I can’t grow facial hair on my chest.” — Jarod Kintz Chest Copy Share Image
“-Is he dead? -Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.” — Jarod Kintz Dead Copy Share Image
“Mr. Bass, would you say you fish a lot? Or do you prefer strumming stringed instruments?” — Jarod Kintz Bass Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar in his face. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“If I had an orange penis, and an erection, I might take offense at carrot eaters. Baby carrots.” — Jarod Kintz Carrots Copy Share Image
“If you insist on digging for the truth, you can start at the cemetery. But not the one on the wealthy side… — Jarod Kintz Truth Copy Share Image
“Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, go all out and write in Lucifer on… — Jarod Kintz Evils Copy Share Image
“-Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today? -No, I’m taking her out this afternoon? -Great! Then you won’t mind… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the… — Jarod Kintz Award Copy Share Image
“No matter how far or long you carry it, my love doesn’t weigh a lot. But if you aren’t carrying it with… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I was driving on the highway and saw an orange sign on the side of the road that said, “Shoulder Work,” and… — Jarod Kintz Massage Copy Share Image
“The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK. ” — Jarod Kintz Midgets Copy Share Image
“I’ve wrestled an alligator before. It wasn’t alive, but I still pinned it down. I was trying to impress a woman, and… — Jarod Kintz Alligator Copy Share Image
“Don’t be alarmed by the flashing lights and the sirens you can’t see or hear. Just keep your blindfold on, your earplugs… — Jarod Kintz Driving Copy Share Image
“Writing is the art of remembering and forgetting. You must forget what you’ve already written, because if you’re dwelling on your old… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip… — Jarod Kintz Cereal Copy Share Image
“When certain people can’t figure out why a certain place produces a certain thing, they tend to say, “There must be something… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to quell the rebellion. Wait until all the men are asleep before you kill them, rape them,… — Jarod Kintz Kill Copy Share Image
“I’m writing a book, one letter at a time. After thirteen days, I just finished writing “Once upon a time.” Since it’s… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous,… — Jarod Kintz Better job Copy Share Image
“I told her “Have a good weekend.” Then I thought, “Idiot. It’s Sunday night.” — Jarod Kintz Sunday Copy Share Image
“In the epicenter of Epcot Center you’ll find me hiding, 333 miles away.” — Jarod Kintz Miles away Copy Share Image
“I slept hard last night. I had an eight-hour raging erection.” — Jarod Kintz Last night Copy Share Image
“When I think about all the thinking I’ve done, I get sleepy, like a coffee-colored bear.” — Jarod Kintz Sleepy Copy Share Image
“I just took a shit that smelled like a dentist’s office. Open your mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Smelled Copy Share Image
“I asked my doctor for the best gift ever: Life. Still, he wouldn’t take one for me.” — Jarod Kintz Best gift Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a friend, if you’re the sort of person who uses their friends. ” — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If you could change War’s name, do you think you’d change its nature?” — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism. ” — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“I hung a large pizza over my window, because it was more delicious than curtains.” — Jarod Kintz Pizza Copy Share Image
