“Don’t steal because it’s immoral, not because you’re afraid you’ll get caught.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were playing football (soccer), and I just needed to score one goal to win. Of… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“The clouds rolled over the hills like a pack of midgets wearing gray togas somersaulting in unison, and I thought it’s a… — Jarod Kintz Day To Be Alive Copy Share Image
“A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging… — Jarod Kintz Stocking Stuffer Copy Share Image
“Music enters through the ear, not the penis hole. This is probably a common mistake most deaf men make.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Earwax is nothing more than sound boogers. I’m too congested to hear anything but I love you. Not that I expect you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There should always be one more cat than person, so everyone has one to pet, and I have two to myself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don't know where to look for jobs, so I think I'll check out the unemployment office. They maybe hiring.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would be up for a sail, but my boat is up for sale. I think I’m going to stay inside and… — Jarod Kintz Sailing Copy Share Image
“My mom is all about risk vs. reward. So for example, if I were to go out on a date and have… — Jarod Kintz Risk Reward Copy Share Image
“After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m hypoglycemic and squeamish and liable to pass out at the first sign of blood. That happened this morning. I came into… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll bet if I write a sentence and mention the word “edit,” people will slow down and scour my words for errors.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“One brick could be used to do the work of two men, if both men are dead. In this case, a blanket… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a man is choking to death on a bite of steak, there is really only one thing to do—finish eating his… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I’m a master of encouragement. Why should I do work myself when the price of getting others to do it for me… — Jarod Kintz Encouragement Copy Share Image
“Thor once took an IQ test, and he was scoring so high that the referees took away his ability to shoot three… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to tell the time. If you can see it it’s daytime, and if you can’t see it… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stall for time when the police are searching your place looking for a missing person. I… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Someday I want to write a sixteen-syllable Haiku about the death and disappearance of a monosyllabic word.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
