“I’ll gyrate my hips at irate guests to generate income for the generations.” — Jarod Kintz Hips Irate Copy Share Image
“The Frosted Flakes sales team once described me as “Flakey.” I was highly flattered.” — Jarod Kintz Flattered Copy Share Image
“My expectations are sky low, because I’m standing on a mountaintop.” — Jarod Kintz Expectations Copy Share Image
“Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“A date is a place, a destination. March 5th, 1982 is the ideal tourist trap.” — Jarod Kintz Date Copy Share Image
“I’m a guy who respects boundaries. I require a passport for interpersonal travel.” — Jarod Kintz Passport Copy Share Image
“I think I have a strange thing growing out of my neck that causes me to think too much.” — Jarod Kintz Strange thing Copy Share Image
“If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought… — Jarod Kintz Abduct Copy Share Image
“I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss), and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Borrowing from Pythagoras, I’ve worked out the equation to a love triangle: A2 + B2 = C other people.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“In this economic recession, I have resorted to wearing my lucky underwear to job interviews. It gives me confidence, and it helps… — Jarod Kintz Economic recession Copy Share Image
“My information is based on yesterday’s newspaper. But that’s OK, because I’m living in the past. It’s always two days ago to… — Jarod Kintz Living in the past Copy Share Image
“I would wash my clothes in the aquarium, but there’s a shark in the tank, and a bloodstain on my shirt.” — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“Theo named his son Theology. But his son changed it to The O to honor his dad, Orafoura. Orafoura is my dad,… — Jarod Kintz Love people Copy Share Image
“I am on pace to break his record. He’s only got one, so after that I’m going to smash all his CDs—starting… — Jarod Kintz White Album Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than… — Jarod Kintz Viagra Copy Share Image
“The growth of my business was amazing. Unfortunately, it grew like a tumor and not like a tree. I really needed to… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“There are exactly thirteen letters in my name, and there are also thirteen letters in the English alphabet. And not only are… — Jarod Kintz Alphabet Copy Share Image
“I made myself an “I Love Jennifer” jacket out of my old “I Love Jenn” jacket. Two girls, one continuous love. The… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to direct a movie called “Sleep” that’s sure to put everybody to the title. The whole movie will look like… — Jarod Kintz Blink Copy Share Image
“I carry a little plastic tub with me, and I put my most valuable possessions in them—my means of travel, which are… — Jarod Kintz Possessions Copy Share Image
“I am possibly the world's greatest magician, because I don't just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I'll bet you're… — Jarod Kintz Magic Copy Share Image
“I guess I should be thankful. Full of thank. But what is thank? I can't eat thank, so I know my stomach… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“I want to be an actor. I’ve already started taking steps. Yesterday I applied to be a waiter.” — Jarod Kintz Actor Copy Share Image
“Though I can and sometimes do use chopsticks, I much prefer using my hands to pee.” — Jarod Kintz Chopsticks Copy Share Image
“I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills. ” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“Can you drop me off at work? Just pull up to the front and pop the trunk and I’ll hop out.” — Jarod Kintz Trunk Copy Share Image
“Your love is my candy, and I wouldn’t dream of trying to give it away to strange children.” — Jarod Kintz Candy Copy Share Image
“A drunk can't follow a line of reasoning, even if it is a double white line.” — Jarod Kintz Drunk Copy Share Image
“I don’t understand the game of Cricket. But I do get the game of Noisy Night Insect.” — Jarod Kintz Cricket Copy Share Image
“Of all the flowers from a rose to a carnation, I’d die for reincarnation.” — Jarod Kintz Flowers Copy Share Image
“I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it with nachos.” — Jarod Kintz Cheesy Copy Share Image
“Smaller plates discourage gluttony. But so does dining with dwarves.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Don’t invite me to my birthday party until the day after it’s happened.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
