“If the status quo came carbonated in a can, I’d shake things up.” — Jarod Kintz Status quo Copy Share Image
“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.” — Jarod Kintz Batteries Copy Share Image
“You’re already older than the last time I saw you, and I just saw you right before I blinked.” — Jarod Kintz Last time Copy Share Image
“I left Mermaid’s Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot.” — Jarod Kintz Fishtailed Parking Copy Share Image
“I can kick the can down the road, and I can also kick other modal verbs.” — Jarod Kintz Verbs Copy Share Image
“I saw a mummy in a movie once, and I’ve got to say I love George Harrison’s style.” — Jarod Kintz Movie Copy Share Image
“A fish called Gilbert. But I just call him Gil to save some breath, so I can spend more time underwater petting… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“-The good guys are coming, boss. What do you want me to do? -Don’t just stand there, you idiot. Ram them with… — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make yourself taller. It’s like self-esteem, only easier to use in the construction of a house. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“When congratulations are in order, I like to wait until they’re out of order to offer a high five or enthusiastic pat… — Jarod Kintz Congratulations Copy Share Image
“Normal is made up of two friends—Norm and Al. That’s twice the number of friends that I have, probably because I’m weirder… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I’ll stab you with a pointy thingy. Not a sword, a knife, or even a mountaintop. No, I’ll use my index finger—and… — Jarod Kintz Knife Copy Share Image
“A man who claims to be 32 degrees is one freezing freemason. That man must make love with all the warmth of… — Jarod Kintz Freemason Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I’ve shortened this sentence’s length, in order to reduce the need for it. I’ve also shortened my penis (as impossible as that… — Jarod Kintz Shortened Copy Share Image
“I think it would be funny to dye somebody’s pool red and then throw dead fish in it. And before you run… — Jarod Kintz God Angry Copy Share Image
“I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“No matter how far I throw a ball, if I took the path of the ball and arced it around in a… — Jarod Kintz Starting point Copy Share Image
“If radios and microwaves merged, then the ideal pop song would be three minutes, or the length of time a bag of… — Jarod Kintz Pop song Copy Share Image
“The glove compartment of my car is empty, but one of these days, I’m going to fill it with an assortment of… — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“I applied for an overnight stocking position at a supermarket, but I didn’t get the job. It probably went to somebody the… — Jarod Kintz Management Copy Share Image
“Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!” — Jarod Kintz Guns Copy Share Image
“He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.” — Jarod Kintz Agent orange Copy Share Image
“Today is Wednesday. That makes it my Wednesday. It also makes Tuesday my Monday.” — Jarod Kintz Monday Copy Share Image
“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.” — Jarod Kintz Boogers Copy Share Image
“It’s a real pleasure accepting an award—for someone else. Especially if they are my clone.” — Jarod Kintz Award Copy Share Image
“I’ve gone astray. It’s better to cook with a stray than eat your own cat.” — Jarod Kintz Astray Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33.” — Jarod Kintz Know Copy Share Image
“A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“Tennis is a racket that I’d like to get into. It’s so bouncy and noisy it must be profitable.” — Jarod Kintz Racket Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t believe she was half dressed. How dare she only be half naked in my presence.” — Jarod Kintz Dressed Copy Share Image
“A bad reputation will dog you for years. A good reputation will cat you. ” — Jarod Kintz Bad reputation Copy Share Image
“If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I bought a zoo, which is funny, because I own the very place that should own me.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
