“While you weren't looking, I flicked a booger in your soup. Just my way of saying thanks for dinner.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The boxer had two black eyes. But that’s to be expected, since he was from Africa.” — Jarod Kintz Black eyes Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in a smash and grab. Well, at least in the smashing aspect. A blanket would be more… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“America’s problem, in a word, is politicians. In two words, it’s politicians and lobbyists. In three words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers.… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“It’s a real pleasure accepting an award—for someone else. Especially if they are my clone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The world classifies people into "Haves" and "Have Nots." But that's for people of normal stature. If you're a loser, and a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not gentlemanly. When I’m gentle, I’m not manly, and when I’m manly, I’m not gentle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like the desert. Ever implemented a cactus during foreplay?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“She didn’t just disappear from my life—she had the audacity to die on me. And until I get Alzheimer’s, I will never… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Thinking ahead is like remembering the future. How about that time we made love? I’ll bet it will be amazing.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The judge said he was going to throw the book at me. I hoped it was an ebook in the cloud, and… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“She drew me as a chubby rectangle. But that’s cool, because Chubby Rectangle was my nickname in high school. Hey, it’s better… — Jarod Kintz Fats domino Copy Share Image
“I want to go back to weighing 165 pounds. Let me take off my clothes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a… — Jarod Kintz Helen Keller Copy Share Image
“I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.” — Jarod Kintz Fat Person Copy Share Image
“Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm the only person I know who has slept through a fire drill. Apparently, I pulled the alarm. Yeah, I sleepwalk. Sometimes… — Jarod Kintz Boston marathon Copy Share Image
“My penis is looooooong. Wait, I think I left off an O. Probably better that way, so I can use it as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s the word my soul is trying to say.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Give yourself a hug, and while you are embracing yourself, use that time to hold yourself together.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Queen always seemed to me to be manufactured championship music—designed to be played in stadiums to get fans hyped up about paying… — Jarod Kintz Champion Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as the perfect response in one particular situation. Next time someone says, “I love you,” say nothing.… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
