“Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.” — Jarod Kintz Drought Copy Share Image
“His thin accusation hung thick in the air like fog smoking a cigarette.” — Jarod Kintz Accusation Copy Share Image
“I want to weigh less, not through diet and exercise, but by acquiring a faulty scale.” — Jarod Kintz Diet and exercise Copy Share Image
“How many supermodels can you fit in a toothpick canister? I don’t know, but I prefer floss.” — Jarod Kintz Tooth Copy Share Image
“I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees.” — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you naked, I’ll want to make war… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m trying to cover all my bases so I can be a complete baseball nonplayer. I’ve already not bought a bat, a… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Congress needs to act now. Seriously, leave Washington DC, move to Hollywood, and leave the rest of the country alone.” — Jarod Kintz Congress Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to maintain dignity while wearing a coat made out of peacock feathers and pants made out of geriatric human flesh.… — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs. — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I’m a dyslexic dancer. Instead of leading the women, I follow. Quick, cab driver, follow that woman!” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“To treat everyone equally is offensive, because it fails to recognize anyone as an individual.” — Jarod Kintz Equally Copy Share Image
“After the first meal with a new girlfriend’s family, I always like to say, “Will you folks excuse me, I have to… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a… — Jarod Kintz Handshake Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to promote social progress. If we could amass enough bricks to build a prison big enough to cage… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the… — Jarod Kintz Opposite direction Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I put on a black scuba suit and go walking on the beach, to relax. If I could, I’d sleep in… — Jarod Kintz East coast Copy Share Image
“My mom is all about risk vs. reward. So for example, if I were to go out on a date and have… — Jarod Kintz Risk Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and… — Jarod Kintz Erection Copy Share Image
“She works in the corporate business center, and I work in a satellite location. She calls it the “moon,” while I call… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I’ve got better things to think about than thoughtlessness.” — Jarod Kintz Better things Copy Share Image
“The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.” — Jarod Kintz Meteorologist Copy Share Image
“Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The boxer had two black eyes. But that’s to be expected, since he was from Africa.” — Jarod Kintz Black eyes Copy Share Image
“Life’s like brown sugar sprinkled on shit. Sure it tastes great, if you don’t mind the smell.” — Jarod Kintz Brown sugar Copy Share Image
“If I wanted to eat leftovers, I wouldn’t have taken a dump in the Tupperware.” — Jarod Kintz Leftovers Copy Share Image
“The chimes were clinging in the wind. Or were they clanging, and clinging to hope?” — Jarod Kintz Chimes Clinging Copy Share Image
“I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.” — Jarod Kintz Afraid Copy Share Image
“The key to getting a discount is timing. Always negotiate on price before you pay.” — Jarod Kintz Discount Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.” — Jarod Kintz Argument Copy Share Image
“50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.” — Jarod Kintz Earn Copy Share Image
