“I fight with the strength of many lion meows. I love even more ferociously.” — Jarod Kintz Strength Copy Share Image
“I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield.” — Jarod Kintz Astrology Copy Share Image
“I don’t like rejection. One jection is enough for me. No need to give it to me again.” — Jarod Kintz Heartbreak Copy Share Image
“I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Make your vote count. Be the guy responsible for counting and tallying all the votes.” — Jarod Kintz Trump Copy Share Image
“I wish trash were treasure, because then I’d be a garbage collector and king.” — Jarod Kintz Trash Copy Share Image
“If it’s dangerous, then you go first. If it’s pleasurable, then I’ll be brave and lead the charge.” — Jarod Kintz Brave Copy Share Image
“Don’t chop off your fingers because you have an itch. That’d be dumb. Instead, take a scalpel and try extracting the effected… — Jarod Kintz Fingers Itch Copy Share Image
“The wind chime sounded like a spoon clanging against a cereal bowl, and I was glad I was having soup for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Wind Chime Copy Share Image
“Not only did I lie about lying, but I lied about lying about lying. And you’d better believe that’s the truth.” — Jarod Kintz Lying Copy Share Image
“I meander and wander, like a lazy river. Gosh, why are some rivers so damn lazy? What, are they teenagers?” — Jarod Kintz Lazy Copy Share Image
“I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all,… — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“I’ll take off my coat in the restaurant and drape it over my pants, which I’ll drape over your chair. I hope… — Jarod Kintz Coat Copy Share Image
“When someone says, “One last thing,” it never is. Unless they die right after speaking. Make sure that they do. Check their… — Jarod Kintz Says Copy Share Image
“When Jed comes in and gives you that look where his forehead wrinkles up and his chin drops so low that his… — Jarod Kintz Winter Copy Share Image
“Most people don’t know where money comes from. Even most of our elected officials don’t know. If you were to ask a… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sentences without actually taking in any… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives… — Jarod Kintz Aspirations Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year… — Jarod Kintz Federal reserve Copy Share Image
“I tell people my name is “The Weather,” and that I understand how they don’t have anything else to talk about besides… — Jarod Kintz Predictable Copy Share Image
“You have to slow down with this woman, because the moment she slows down and stops, she’ll die. She’s like a shark.”… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“My amazing feat features shoes (and feet)—it’s how far I’d walk for love. Guess how far? However far it is from the… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.” — Jarod Kintz World war Copy Share Image
“As a person, I have to claim my persona as my own. If I don’t, my clone will do it for me.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I carry a concealed weapon—high cholesterol. It’s deadly. ” — Jarod Kintz Amendment Copy Share Image
“I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.” — Jarod Kintz Leftover Copy Share Image
“I’ve come a long way in the last year. 365 days, to be exact.” — Jarod Kintz 365 days Copy Share Image
“My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.” — Jarod Kintz Sixties Copy Share Image
“I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.” — Jarod Kintz Thirsty Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle on the anus.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.” — Jarod Kintz Billion Copy Share Image
“I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“He’s going to give me a piggyback ride home. He’s my designated walker.” — Jarod Kintz Piggyback Ride Copy Share Image
“I’m a poor worker. The quality of work I do is excellent, but I make no money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasnt hungry, I just wanted to call some plays. — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
