“I love conducting double blind experiments with unsuspecting peeping Toms.” — Jarod Kintz Peeping Copy Share Image
“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.” — Jarod Kintz Burns Copy Share Image
“2001 was a great year. It was the first year I declared myself the “Man of the Century.” — Jarod Kintz Great year Copy Share Image
“I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.” — Jarod Kintz Drink Copy Share Image
“I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.” — Jarod Kintz Ghost town Copy Share Image
“I know what it means to be alone, especially in a large group of clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“My name is Aviva. It’s not male, and it’s not female, but it is a palindrome—which makes it hermaphroditic, as it occupies… — Jarod Kintz Hermaphroditic Copy Share Image
“I’m training for my wedding, because I’m going to be running down the aisle—in the opposite direction of the alter and my… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.” — Jarod Kintz Appointment Copy Share Image
“With cars I like newer models, but with people I like older models. Why aren’t there more walkers on fashion runways?” — Jarod Kintz Walkers Copy Share Image
“I don’t use coarse humor, but occasionally I’ll joke about intercourse—between midget siblings.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“It’s true, I almost hit him. And I would have too, if at the last moment he didn’t swerve out of the… — Jarod Kintz Swerve Copy Share Image
“I don’t understand people who don’t like meatloaf. Your mom doesn’t make it like Michael Aday does.” — Jarod Kintz Meatloaf Copy Share Image
“The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no… — Jarod Kintz Chicken Copy Share Image
“To choose to chew, rather than converse with my fellow dinner guests, was the choice I made when I chose the chewiest… — Jarod Kintz Chew Copy Share Image
“My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually trade places. My skin is so craterous… — Jarod Kintz Eyes Copy Share Image
“The final few weeks in a town before you move always feel like vacation, like you’re observing and taking it all in,… — Jarod Kintz College degree Copy Share Image
“Sometimes a symbol holds more power than the thing it represents. Like the symbol for Thing, the one I created that is… — Jarod Kintz Symbol Copy Share Image
“In the late afternoon sky, the moon had the smoky hue of the hazy horizon, and the matching clouds looked like faint… — Jarod Kintz Clouds Copy Share Image
“Two years ago I bought my brother’s slightly used iMac for five hundred bucks. Five hundred bucks! That’s the price of a… — Jarod Kintz Two years Copy Share Image
“My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die.… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stall for time when the police are searching your place looking for a missing person. I… — Jarod Kintz Steal Copy Share Image
“He was a vegetable, so trying to change his mind was fruitless.” — Jarod Kintz Fruitless Copy Share Image
“If I could lick the sunset, I’ll bet it would taste like Neapolitan ice cream.” — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.” — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“The Nile crashed in the Amazon while being piloted by Miss Ississippi.” — Jarod Kintz Nile Copy Share Image
“Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I just peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already somebody in the bathtub.” — Jarod Kintz Just Peed Copy Share Image
“Guns don’t kill people. Politicians with sharp tongues do.” — Jarod Kintz Amendment Copy Share Image
“If you can listen to or read anything, but misspelled words offend you, raise your hadn.” — Jarod Kintz Misspelled Copy Share Image
“My book is awful,” I said. “Nonsense,” Dora J. Arod said. “Your book is nonsense.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“I sent her a picture of an empty dinner plate, and the text said, Thinking of you.” — Jarod Kintz Text Said Copy Share Image
“Can I park my horse in the handicapped parking space? It is gimpy and sort of crippled.” — Jarod Kintz Handicapped Copy Share Image
“My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.” — Jarod Kintz Angel Copy Share Image
“I second that notion. And if I had 59 more, I’d have a minute.” — Jarod Kintz Minute Copy Share Image
“The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The past screams louder than the future. The future is mute, but it’s not deaf.” — Jarod Kintz Future Copy Share Image
