“I need to convince John to convince Jim to convince Jason that I don’t need convincing.” — Jarod Kintz Convince Jason Copy Share Image
“There are shades of schadenfreude. My favorite shade is bright red, from a haughty spanking.” — Jarod Kintz Schadenfreude Copy Share Image
“I could write from anywhere, including the moon, provided I had a pencil and not a pen.” — Jarod Kintz Pencil Copy Share Image
“I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. I’m like a dentist.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Too much much is a dangerous thing. But not as dangerous as danger itself.” — Jarod Kintz Danger Copy Share Image
“I like how volcanoes rumble before they erupt, as if to say, Get the hell off me.” — Jarod Kintz Erupt Copy Share Image
“She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla… — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“If I had a choice between walking along a sidewalk with no rails and a thousand foot drop, or jumping in a… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to raise my spirits. I’m feeling low right now, low by about three inches. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I’m wearing shoes made of sea foam, and I am here to seduce the elderly. If you brought the geriatrics, then I… — Jarod Kintz Seduce Elderly Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket could be combined to create a blink. And a half a blink, as we all know, is… — Jarod Kintz Blink Copy Share Image
“Don’t mock my dress. I’ve got a dance recital after work. You’re invited—but it’s bring your own erection. You can’t borrow mine,… — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play… — Jarod Kintz Grandpa Copy Share Image
“Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat. ” — Jarod Kintz Blankets Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You’d never been in an elevator before, and I’d never been in love. I said I… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to help you remember. You’re probably tempted to ask, “Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t… — Jarod Kintz Remember Copy Share Image
“The problem with Marxism is the proletariat isn’t going to rise up against capitalism and consumerism. The only time they’ll rise up… — Jarod Kintz Marxism Copy Share Image
“I want to make a coffee table that consists of a slab of wood supported by four crutches. That way, if a… — Jarod Kintz Crutches Copy Share Image
“When I was a little boy, say 17 months old, I lived in the forest. I was raised by bears. We had… — Jarod Kintz Laughed Copy Share Image
“When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because… — Jarod Kintz Tells Copy Share Image
“A brick is used to label a missed shot in basketball. However, a better term to call a missed shot, or any… — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“As we were walking home the other night, Orafoura turned to me and said, “Were you aware that there are places in… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I would let you ride shotgun, but first I’ll need to reload.” — Jarod Kintz Shotgun Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to divide two people, and then conquer both of them. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.” — Jarod Kintz Adrenaline Copy Share Image
“What ends in a W, has no beginning, and is always in the present? Now.” — Jarod Kintz Anger Copy Share Image
“I have about as much practice sleeping as everyone else, though I’d like to have more.” — Jarod Kintz Like Copy Share Image
“I want to pour your voice into a goldfish bowl before flushing it down the toilet.” — Jarod Kintz Want Pour Copy Share Image
“I am a tree, though I’m not a shady character. I’m like a tree in winter.” — Jarod Kintz Selfish Copy Share Image
“I long for your love like shortness of breath. Somebody get me an inhaler!” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Me and my wife are happy. At least when we are not together.” — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
“When we communicate, everybody wins. Especially the NSA.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.” — Jarod Kintz Hermaphrodite Copy Share Image
“Love smells like a flower in bloom. A flower that's sitting on a pile of steaming feces.” — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I’d punch a guy that likes a girl 16 years younger. Especially if that guy was 18 years old.” — Jarod Kintz 16 Years Copy Share Image
