“I have failed, and I should bury my failure. I need a trowel (it was a small failure).” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“The human voice isn’t like water,” I shouted. “You can’t drown out somebody just by raising the level.” But it was useless.… — Jarod Kintz Helen Keller Copy Share Image
“The living have love for the dead, but the dead have no love for the living. I ought to know, because I’d… — Jarod Kintz Green beans Copy Share Image
“I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Compact trash into a cube. Then slice it into thin layers and BOOM—you’ve got pieces of modern art. Each sliver belongs in… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I am marvelously absurd in my cloudless thought formation.” — Jarod Kintz Philosophy of Mind Copy Share Image
“I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.” — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“My crotch is the center of my body, but not the center of my being. That would be my asshole.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could lick the sunset, I’ll bet it would taste like Neapolitan ice cream.” — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.” — Jarod Kintz Health Copy Share Image
“I'm a year older than 365 days ago, and I'm having trouble bending my knees and my lower back is killing me.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy. ” — Jarod Kintz Middle finger Copy Share Image
“Making art can be a mystical, spiritual experience. Sort of like golfing on water, which I haven’t done, because I’m more Michael… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“When you’re embarrassed, you turn red. When I blush, I turn plaid. I network at kilt conventions, so even if I say… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the… — Jarod Kintz Falling apart Copy Share Image
“Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my… — Jarod Kintz Nose Job Copy Share Image
“My lucky rabbit's foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.” — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“On average, women are better liars than men. But the best liars are men, because politicians are still predominantly men. ” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“The only way I’ll ride a horse is if that horse is in a wheelchair, being pushed by a 99-year-old paraplegic.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people put more thought into what kind of car to buy than what kind of mate to marry. I think that's… — Jarod Kintz Bicycle Copy Share Image
“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to cool your drink, like a large ice cube. ” — Jarod Kintz Ice cube Copy Share Image
