“It seems that in love, I have no match. It also seems that with firewood, I have no match.” — Jarod Kintz Firewood Copy Share Image
“Don’t let your inability to see get in the way of your vision.” — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!” — Jarod Kintz Untrue Copy Share Image
“If I had nostrils on my index fingers, I wonder what the inside of my nose would smell like?” — Jarod Kintz Nostrils Copy Share Image
“She asked for soup, and I served her cereal. Our love was in the breakfast stage.” — Jarod Kintz Cereal Copy Share Image
“I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.” — Jarod Kintz Graduated Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to do anything I have to do, even if I want to do it. Compulsion takes the fun out… — Jarod Kintz Compulsion Copy Share Image
“I park my car in the parking spot right next to the parking spot my bed is in, just in case I… — Jarod Kintz Park Car Copy Share Image
“I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My love is like one of those wooden Russian nesting dolls (matryoshka doll). I know, because your heart fits perfectly inside mine. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure… — Jarod Kintz Grandpa Copy Share Image
“Just like trying to ice skate on two sticks of butter in the desert, my love for her melted and was no… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years,… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“The world classifies people into "Haves" and "Have Nots." But that's for people of normal stature. If you're a loser, and a… — Jarod Kintz Midget Copy Share Image
“When I think about my clone, random songs pop into my head. Songs like, “Happy Birthday.” Will he celebrate the same birthday… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Every man has a soul, but will every man’s clone have a soul? No, because me and some scientists will have sucked… — Jarod Kintz Every man Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. Our relationship faded from red to white, and somewhere in the middle, in the pink zone,… — Jarod Kintz Another woman Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used to keep politicians warm, when we kick them all to the street. They’ll be warm, but they’ll be… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“I wrote a coded love note in my report for work. All the letters you need to read what I wrote are… — Jarod Kintz Letter Copy Share Image
“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“When you’re a cartographer, having to make maps sort of comes with the territory.” — Jarod Kintz Geography Copy Share Image
“I blink like a blanket. I’m not asleep—this extended motionlessness is how I make love.” — Jarod Kintz Blink Copy Share Image
“Courage is a commodity I sell in times of peace. But then my father was a chicken farmer.” — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think? — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I left my youth behind me. It peddled the bicycle while I rode on the handlebars.” — Jarod Kintz Bicycle Copy Share Image
“People don’t know I have a checkered past. I used to be a picnic table cloth.” — Jarod Kintz Judge Copy Share Image
“I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price.” — Jarod Kintz High quality Copy Share Image
“I should create a TV show called 61 Minutes. It’ll be like 60 Minutes—only more.” — Jarod Kintz Television Copy Share Image
“I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.” — Jarod Kintz Whisper Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed on a conveyer belt. It will revolutionize the construction industry! ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I’d rather be the fastest runner than the best fighter. But then I am a supreme coward.” — Jarod Kintz Coward Copy Share Image
“I am Helen Keller, and so are all my senses. Now that is complete nonsense!” — Jarod Kintz Nonsense Copy Share Image
