“I murdered all my staff. I’m terribly sorry. I thought they were someone else (my wife).” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I have three step brothers and one step sister. It’s like a staircase, and I am the slinky.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“The water trapped in my window makes it like an aquarium—which makes me the fish.” — Jarod Kintz Aquarium Copy Share Image
“People come and people go, but only a magical person can come and go at the same time.” — Jarod Kintz People Come Copy Share Image
“I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.” — Jarod Kintz Fridge Copy Share Image
“North, south, east, west, I need to find a nude erection to point the way.” — Jarod Kintz Erection Copy Share Image
“A blowjob is the only employment I can get. At least in a bathroom stall.” — Jarod Kintz Bathroom Copy Share Image
“As she walked away she said Thank you. “Thank you,” I replied. I don’t think she heard me, because again she said… — Jarod Kintz Thank Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws,… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the… — Jarod Kintz Graveyard Copy Share Image
“My friends call me Two Socks Kintz. They used to call me Barefoot Orafoura, but then someone gave me some socks. That… — Jarod Kintz Barefoot Copy Share Image
“18 is like two snoozes back to back, or the birthday of two clones, blindfolded, standing back to back.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Orafoura was yelling at his dog (not a German shepherd) in German, and I thought, “I didn’t realize dogs can speak German.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to line the walls of the Love Chamber, to soundproof it so that nobody hears you scream. ” — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as another brick, as they all look the same. So yes, I am for human cloning as… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and… — Jarod Kintz Smirk Copy Share Image
“In 50 years, I’m going to tell my grandchildren, “Back when I was growing up we didn’t have teleportation devices. We actually… — Jarod Kintz Grandchildren Copy Share Image
“I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be given away at the Olympics, instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals. If all a champion… — Jarod Kintz Bronze medal Copy Share Image
“I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a… — Jarod Kintz Reflection In The Mirror Copy Share Image
“I am a rebel! But I don’t want people to agree with my views, because if everyone agreed with me then I… — Jarod Kintz Rebellious Copy Share Image
“I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language.… — Jarod Kintz Blind date Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“I’m very proud of my body of work. You should see it naked sometime.” — Jarod Kintz Body work Copy Share Image
“I’ll trade you one dollar for five dollars. What, is my money no good here?” — Jarod Kintz Dollars Copy Share Image
“I don’t sleep naked, because that’s not proper beach etiquette.” — Jarod Kintz Naked Copy Share Image
“I keep my socks in a filing cabinet, if that tells you what kind of lover I am.” — Jarod Kintz Filing cabinet Copy Share Image
“I’ll grab my crotch at you. It’s a greeting, like hello, only more provocative and inviting.” — Jarod Kintz Grab Crotch Copy Share Image
“Ever since I was fired for sleeping on the job I’ve worn a shirt and tie to bed.” — Jarod Kintz Fired Copy Share Image
“I always misspell the word “unique,” just to keep it youneeq.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I like to feel like just one of the guys. Especially when I hang out with the girls.” — Jarod Kintz Guys Copy Share Image
“The only place I didn’t sweep was under her dress. But that’s what the dishwasher is for.” — Jarod Kintz Dishwasher Copy Share Image
“Spain is 4/5ths pain and 1/5th S. I drank that fifth, and I loved S.” — Jarod Kintz Wine Copy Share Image
“I keep my fears chained up in the basement, along with a few of my foes.” — Jarod Kintz Basement Copy Share Image
“Charity can be a good thing. But the only cause I’ll support is because. Don’t ask me why.” — Jarod Kintz Charity Copy Share Image
“I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.” — Jarod Kintz Confession Copy Share Image
“Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
