“Life’s like brown sugar sprinkled on shit. Sure it tastes great, if you don’t mind the smell.” — Jarod Kintz Brown sugar Copy Share Image
“The chimes were clinging in the wind. Or were they clanging, and clinging to hope?” — Jarod Kintz Chimes Clinging Copy Share Image
“If I wanted to eat leftovers, I wouldn’t have taken a dump in the Tupperware.” — Jarod Kintz Leftovers Copy Share Image
“The key to getting a discount is timing. Always negotiate on price before you pay.” — Jarod Kintz Discount Copy Share Image
“I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.” — Jarod Kintz Afraid Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.” — Jarod Kintz Argument Copy Share Image
“It’s possible that I couldn’t handle the truth, but I sure wouldn’t mind fondling it to find out.” — Jarod Kintz Handle the truth Copy Share Image
“People call me “Mustache,” because I have an eyebrow on my upper lip. When I close my lips it’s like a wink… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn't real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I’d hate to be forced to drink my own vomit without throwing up, because what if they made me drink that too?” — Jarod Kintz Vomit Copy Share Image
“She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind… — Jarod Kintz Fall in love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a period on a really large sentence. A blanket could be used as a really large… — Jarod Kintz Large Copy Share Image
I went to a football game once and got punched in the face, but you couldnt tell because I was already sitting… — Jarod Kintz Ball game Copy Share Image
“Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“The moon is an orbital albino, and it gets tons of sunlight, so I propose Operation Sunscreen, where astronauts coat the surface… — Jarod Kintz Space Copy Share Image
“While I appear to be happy and giggling, rest assured that inside I am sad. And angry. Like that one time—Feb 14,… — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
“Receiving trophies is all about getting recognized. Wearing big sunglasses and a fake mustache is about not being recognized. Why not wearable… — Jarod Kintz Trophies Copy Share Image
“I work for a mom and pop business. They’re my mom and pop, and by work I mean they give me an… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“The piece of junk is a piece of me. It’s a part of my family, and I can’t part with it. The… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I saw her at the party last Saturday. I could tell by her body language that she wanted me. She was wearing… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Love isn’t stackable and interlocking, like boxes or Legos. Love is like a one-legged man standing on a three-legged chair that is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.” — Jarod Kintz Earn Copy Share Image
“I paid her a little visit, and I used a coupon with the purchase.” — Jarod Kintz Coupon Copy Share Image
“Dear Ian, I felt good. I felt like a Christian to the T. Also to the Chris, Ian.” — Jarod Kintz Christian Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a car salesman. (A used car salesman.) ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon.” — Jarod Kintz Brain Copy Share Image
“In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical.” — Jarod Kintz Modern times Copy Share Image
“From where I live now I can walk to the beach, if I have about three weeks.” — Jarod Kintz Beach Copy Share Image
“There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.” — Jarod Kintz Soup Copy Share Image
“If frogs tasted like chicken, I’d gladly jump in the frying pan. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Chicken Copy Share Image
“Your penis is a whistle. My penis is a flute. And I’ve got a tromboner for your girl.” — Jarod Kintz Penis Copy Share Image
“My name is Dawn. It’s not a female name. I am Sunset’s brother.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
