“My skin hasn’t been sleeping. It stays awake just itching for a fight.” — Jarod Kintz Itching Copy Share Image
“He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.” — Jarod Kintz Agent orange Copy Share Image
“Today is Wednesday. That makes it my Wednesday. It also makes Tuesday my Monday.” — Jarod Kintz Monday Copy Share Image
“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.” — Jarod Kintz Boogers Copy Share Image
“It’s a real pleasure accepting an award—for someone else. Especially if they are my clone.” — Jarod Kintz Award Copy Share Image
“I’ve gone astray. It’s better to cook with a stray than eat your own cat.” — Jarod Kintz Astray Copy Share Image
“Orafoura doesn’t know shit about what I said, said Orafoura, quoting The Mythical Mr. Boo to me about the shit that’s been… — Jarod Kintz Mythical Mr Copy Share Image
“If you ask me a multiple part question, and half my answers are yes and half are no, I may just average… — Jarod Kintz Answer Copy Share Image
“When a whisper seems like a shout, I know I need to get some sleep. But I can’t lay down without first… — Jarod Kintz Need sleep Copy Share Image
“When my grandma moved, she didn’t know anybody. But that was partly due to being in a new place, and partly from… — Jarod Kintz Grandma Copy Share Image
“I don’t have to extend my hand to greet you. A wink can reach across the room. And a wink in a… — Jarod Kintz Across the universe Copy Share Image
“I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I whip off my bra, my opponent knows… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I have no problem overcoming the butterflies in my stomach. Of course, neither do the fish I thought I caught with my… — Jarod Kintz Butterflies Copy Share Image
“There are three things I look for in a woman to potentially date, and one of them is neither her breasts or… — Jarod Kintz Three things Copy Share Image
“Her name is Denise, and she has green eyes and red hair. Well, this week. Last week her hair was dyed blonde,… — Jarod Kintz Blonde Copy Share Image
“Love isn’t a series of slogans like “Just do it,” “It’s the real thing,” or “Go ahead, stick it in my butt.”… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“After reading one of my one-liners a few years ago, a former professor of mine looked up at me and said, “You… — Jarod Kintz Mark twain Copy Share Image
“I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I like when wind works. But in this depression, does anything work? If it’s not unemployed, it’s broken. When I hear the… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“However unfortunate you may feel, there are always those less fortunate than you. I’m not talking about the homeless—I’m talking about your… — Jarod Kintz Less fortunate Copy Share Image
“Awards represent achievement, and to an extent they show more about who you are as a person than the personal items you… — Jarod Kintz Accomplishment Copy Share Image
“I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33.” — Jarod Kintz Know Copy Share Image
“A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“Tennis is a racket that I’d like to get into. It’s so bouncy and noisy it must be profitable.” — Jarod Kintz Racket Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t believe she was half dressed. How dare she only be half naked in my presence.” — Jarod Kintz Dressed Copy Share Image
“I bought a zoo, which is funny, because I own the very place that should own me.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“A bad reputation will dog you for years. A good reputation will cat you. ” — Jarod Kintz Bad reputation Copy Share Image
“If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Learn body language so you can not only speak it, but misspeak it too.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“She was a pretty good lover. Too bad she wasn’t pretty and good.” — Jarod Kintz Lover Copy Share Image
“The cool thing about unemployment is every day is Saturday.” — Jarod Kintz Every day Copy Share Image
“My thoughts absorb sound like sponges soak up water. Please don’t whistle while I masturbate.” — Jarod Kintz Absorb Sound Copy Share Image
“My ex was a BBW, but she looked Ok. Actually, she looked more like Tx.” — Jarod Kintz Looked Like Copy Share Image
“My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it. ” — Jarod Kintz Stolen Copy Share Image
