“I am a rebel! But I don’t want people to agree with my views, because if everyone agreed with me then I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to hike in state parks, but one thing I can’t stand is pants. So I don’t wear any. My wallet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I picked up a new language a few months ago. It was just laying on the ground, dirty, so I scooped it… — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I was driving to another girl’s house who’s not my girl, and I saw a red sign by the road that read,… — Jarod Kintz Wrong way Copy Share Image
“While I’m no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no… — Jarod Kintz Major league Copy Share Image
If you work in a hospital, you cant easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you're sick? Well why dont you… — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“I only need to write about 3,000 one-liners a day to produce a million jokes a year. Simple. I’ll just get started… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.” — Jarod Kintz Live for the moment Copy Share Image
“You can smuggle anything into an event inside empty pizza boxes. Carrying pizza boxes transforms anyone into Moses. There can be a… — Jarod Kintz Red sea Copy Share Image
“If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I'd use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indiana. She’s a regular here, and she accompanies… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I've always been one to share things. Particularly things like responsibility and blame.” — Jarod Kintz Responsibility Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep a level head. I don’t mean remaining rational, I mean literally, keep your head still… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy. — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“I’ll never rest on my laurels. If I’ve got more than one Laurel in my bed, rest is not how I plan… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made a necklace out of seashells, but I lost it at the beach. I don’t think I’ll ever find it again,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work.” — Jarod Kintz Coming to an end Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality. ” — Jarod Kintz Personal strength Copy Share Image
“I am the sum of all somes, with a few scattered nones and nuns thrown in (though I didn’t throw the nuns… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.” — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“I may have a point, but that still leaves me two points shy of a three-point turn. But I'd rather be right… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As a writer, I need more exposure. I think I’ll take off my pants. Would you mind if I kept my penis… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“I yelled at my cat to knock it off, and sure enough, he did. And it broke.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn… — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it… — Jarod Kintz Text message Copy Share Image
“If the word "committee" were an acronym, the two "T"s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I’m different than other men in that I’m indifferent to the ins and outs of concave and convex relationships. I feel that… — Jarod Kintz Ex Relationship Copy Share Image
“Love is a trumpet, Donald Trump’s hair, and a turnip all turned up and facing west. Sorry, east. I am looking in… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to type one of my books into a free online translation website, and convert it from English to German and… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I called to tell her I loved her, which was smart, because if I’d have done it in person, I’d have caught… — Jarod Kintz Another man Copy Share Image
“I fill my life with speech, but not with people who are truly listening.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Would you agree with the statement: Love is a hamburger? If yes, would you like to add cheese for only 99 cents?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Don’t rub noses with a shark. It may be the last dental appointment you ever have.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to communicate with the dead. I just spoke to Stalin, and he’s very pleased with the way… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made a mistake, but I didn’t beat myself up about it. No, I beat up my clone. ” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“I needed to take her to a concert, or maybe invite her out to go stencil street art in the middle of… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I work in a hotel. I know what you’re probably thinking, and no, I am not a hooker. Not unless you’re not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
