“A brick could help get your unruly hair under control, by getting at the root of the problem—your skull. Increase force as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.¨ — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“Why celebrate my birthday? My birthday is the product of two people’s—my parents’—hard work. I can’t celebrate what I didn’t earn. However,… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest. ” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“A zebra has stripes, the American flag has stripes, and I have an erection. Coincidence?” — Jarod Kintz American flag Copy Share Image
“It’s not yummy gum if there’s no bubble. Just ask the Federal Reserve.” — Jarod Kintz Federal reserve Copy Share Image
“When I go to the bar, I never drink much. And to do that I avoid conversations, as silence reduces saliva and… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Time is fluid, like the wide sky that fades into bright orange in a sunset in The Ozarks. Every moment is meant… — Jarod Kintz Every moment Copy Share Image
“To get a step up in the world, you could use a ladder, or you could use your connections. I prefer the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t know why she broke up with me. I was always there when she needed me. Well, aside for about 3/4ths… — Jarod Kintz Good thing Copy Share Image
“I don’t have to extend my hand to greet you. A wink can reach across the room. And a wink in a… — Jarod Kintz Across the universe Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But what if that bleeding is figurative? In that case, I’d recommend a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love, like glue, is a four-letter word that ends in “e,” only much stickier. And I used to eat it as a… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“The difference between a politician and a helmet full of feces, is the politician doesn’t need to wear protective headgear, because he’s… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“At the end of the universe you’ll find a door labeled “Do Not Enter.” No great mysteries are hidden there—it’s just a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can guess which car my boss drives. I’ll just look for the one with the hole in the back, like an… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend said she’d never cheat on me. Well, she did—with an accountant. Now I owe money to the IRS.” — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are many men who deserve to die. The most deserving are those that claim to serve the public, but only serve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We broke up because we weren’t going anywhere. I kept telling her, Hitchhiking takes patience.” — Jarod Kintz Patience Copy Share Image
“When I sing, it sounds like I’m gargling spaghetti. Is it any wonder that women lust after me and mail me their… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had a wooden leg I could sit on three-legged chairs no problem.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to sell war to the peacemongers. The trick is to sell war cheap, because the real profit… — Jarod Kintz War Copy Share Image
“Her name was Penny, and she was good looking. She wasn’t a dime, but she wasn’t a nickel either. If there were… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.” — Jarod Kintz Loneliness Copy Share Image
“Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called. ” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“Like a spy, I planted a bug. Like a farmer, I watched it grow into a politician that more than half the… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Meatloaf is meatloaf is not a true statement. You can have gravy on top, ketchup on top, and don’t forget you can… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Do not stick your dick in your car’s exhaust pipe. Instead, fuck your neighbor’s motorcycle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
