“I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I whip off my bra, my opponent knows… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling. — Jarod Kintz Amazing feeling Copy Share Image
“I make love like a lump of cold oatmeal. I apologize if that mental image excites you and makes you hunger for… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I’m homeless and pushing a shopping cart filled with all my worldly possessions, don’t be surprised to see me stopped behind… — Jarod Kintz Worldly possessions Copy Share Image
“Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom.” — Jarod Kintz Riding a bicycle Copy Share Image
“It’s times like these I wish I had a watch. It’d also be nice if it was broken. That would let me… — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
“I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf… — Jarod Kintz Last night Copy Share Image
“I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to go to the Olympics. But I don’t want to train, so who’s going to buy me a ticket? I… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“My penis’ name is Pride. Pride is something every woman should be filled with.” — Jarod Kintz Every woman Copy Share Image
“I wish there were a way to see through walls. Oh yeah, there is—windows. ” — Jarod Kintz Oh yeah Copy Share Image
“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I’m not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right… — Jarod Kintz Ball game Copy Share Image
“His name is Randy Randy (Or is it Randy Randy?), and he probably makes women doubly horny (randy).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being… — Jarod Kintz Every night Copy Share Image
“It’s so windy outside that there are waves in my cereal bowl. I was out of milk, so I poured pool water… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The basketball team was trailing by three points. I trail by four points—north, south, east, and west. I also trail by covered… — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a headstone. Or the instrument that proves “until death do us part” is faster and cheaper… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“If instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs for fingers, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had a necklace made out of tiny suns, I’d only wear it at night when you could really see it.… — Jarod Kintz Glow in the dark Copy Share Image
“I’m not in manufacturing, but I make something. I make a difference. But to be honest, I think China can make it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a forward thinker with nostalgia. I dream of the past, and daydream of the future.” — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.” — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to tell time. And just between you and me, I hope that brick tells time to go… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Being a parent is apparently more than most men can handle. This is transparent to even the tiniest child.” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“My favorite flower lost its voice, and through aroma therapy and the assistance of both my nostrils, I’m trying to help it… — Jarod Kintz Mental health Copy Share Image
“I meant to spear her with my love, but bad breath got in the way. Next time I’ll spearmint.” — Jarod Kintz Bad breath Copy Share Image
“I got my windshield replaced for no apparent reason. So now I have a new windshield that looks exactly like my old… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I slept hard last night. I had an eight-hour raging erection.” — Jarod Kintz Last night Copy Share Image
“When you are the designated buyer, ask for more money than the item costs, so when you spend less people will be… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The question is not where am I, but who am I? Where I am: Inside the body of my clone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In society’s daylight, black people are invisible. Black people are also invisible at night. Hooray for flashlights!” — Jarod Kintz Black people Copy Share Image
“At the bar, I asked her what she’d like to drink, hoping she’d reply, “Your semen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools.” — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
