“The girl I used to love is no longer a girl, and this saddens me more than our separation. It puts my… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“People always see me writing and ask me if they can read my writing. The answer is yes, after I publish it… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What’s furry, has four legs, and meows? My dinner, before I killed and cooked it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Mr. Best spent so much time eating grass that he began to think he was a cow. But that still doesn’t excuse… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I said it unto him who isn’t, and he wisely said nothing. Sometimes saying nothing is saying more than enough.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets… — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“You know cats, always scratching on this or that, but never scratching what you want when you want it. (Like my balls,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her mouth contorted, and the wrinkles around her lips were like the dunes of a frosted cupcake. And I just wanted to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I jog it’s like a dancing dog. Well, it’s more of a foxtrot.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“My love may be invisible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t taste it. (It tastes like a sonic boom, only not as… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be folded up and kept in the trunk of my car, in much the same way that I do… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A balanced argument is one that takes place entirely in my head, and doesn’t cause me to tip over.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I never hit below the belt, especially if that belt is the rust belt and I’m in Texas.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can't tell you. What part about secret don't you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I respect people who make eye contact (blind people get a free respect card).” — Jarod Kintz Blind people Copy Share Image
“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Instead of selling other countries weapons, we should sell them candles. Maybe then instead of singing the praises of war, they’d start… — Jarod Kintz Happy birthday Copy Share Image
“Pigs might make great pets, but they make better breakfast. I’ll take one big snuggle, with a side of scrambled eggs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A tree once saved my life. A posse was going to hang me, but this wise old oak would not let them.… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“She was very close to my heart. Even though we were separated by a distance of 400 years, I was lying on… — Jarod Kintz Close to my heart Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to announce your intention to announce your intentions. Make sure the blanket is neon orange though, or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the alligator of love. But I’d make better boots than a lover.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My bed is better than all the rest. That’s why I just stand there staring at it, rather than actually laying down… — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“The past screams louder than the future. The future is mute, but it’s not deaf.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in… — Jarod Kintz Light Copy Share Image
“When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.” — Jarod Kintz Light Copy Share Image
“I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.” — Jarod Kintz Turning Red Copy Share Image
“Susan B. Anthony. Also, Susan be Anthony, now that she had a sex change.” — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“Some wise guys came by my business establishment and tried to offer me neighborhood protection. They weren’t mafia, but they were wearing… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If it’s dangerous, then you go first. If it’s pleasurable, then I’ll be brave and lead the charge.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll never be as old as someone older than me, but I can be older than them if I outlive their lifespan.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I smile, not only do my ears rise, but so does my listening ability. When my mouth goes all Helen Keller,… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
