“A two-headed man should have twice the IQ, and the ability to have internal dialogues externally.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe would eat all the leaves… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I make love like an albino sings—softly, and from sunset to sunrise (except in Alaska).” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I grew an inch a day, in 365 days I’d be one year tall. I’d be over three basketball hoops high,… — Jarod Kintz Once a year Copy Share Image
“Personal branding is sales, because you’re selling an image of yourself, a mirage, and you are the product.” — Jarod Kintz Marketing Copy Share Image
“There are only two kinds of books worth keeping: Valuable books and valuable books. The first value is monetary, and the second… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“I’ll take away your disillusionment, and replace it with an illusion.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My time at the pool went swimmingly. Better than a nude beach, because I was the only one who was naked.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is its about 50 weeks too short. — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“If you don’t know what love feels like, you’re in luck, because I just finished making a new pair of Love Gloves.… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I work as a husband, but I’m also trying to get employment as a neighbor. Sugar anyone?” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“What I thought was a black hole turned out to be nothing more than a splatter of ink on my tie. And… — Jarod Kintz Black hole Copy Share Image
“I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with… — Jarod Kintz Black belt Copy Share Image
“I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The chimes were clinging in the wind. Or were they clanging, and clinging to hope?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket… — Jarod Kintz Wine Copy Share Image
“The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger… — Jarod Kintz Cowboy Copy Share Image
“I've been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married. — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I sent him a silent message with my body language, but he must be deaf—or, rather, blind.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Arlington National cemetery is huge! But that’s not surprising, because DC is the world’s largest graveyard of good ideas and intentions. Politicians… — Jarod Kintz Good ideas Copy Share Image
If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time. — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I rearranged the letters of the word “Wisdom” and got “swimod.” Afterwards I felt like I was drowning in foolishness.” — Jarod Kintz Wisdom Copy Share Image
“Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most salesmen are no-nonsense guys. But I’m not like them. I’m the #1 nonsense salesman in all of Camelot.” — Jarod Kintz Camelot Copy Share Image
“We should kill the future, so the present has no choice but to retreat into the past.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“It’s tough to lose one parent, but to lose two—in a murder/suicide no less! But it’s OK, soon after the incident I… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“My mother-in-law got so angry at me she vowed she’d never speak to me again, and I smiled and gave thanks for… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I just got a new windshield. Slowly I’m going to replace my way to a new car. I make love the same… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’ve learned to not let rejection bother me. How can it bother me, when all the people who’ve rejected me have been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels. ” — Jarod Kintz High heels Copy Share Image
“I am mad in love like fire, and I speak sushi after a night of fingernail sandwiches. Last night’s sex was so… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When love dissipates, it’s like dancing with daisies at midnight, and you don’t get easy at it when you’re deceased. And make… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
