“I want to assure you, I’m not that kind of pervert. But don’t worry, goat lady, there’s somebody for everybody. Or anybody… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The key to getting a discount is timing. Always negotiate on price before you pay.” — Jarod Kintz Discount Copy Share Image
“Fornication: Do it for the kids. Just not at their birthday parties.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Attorney ethics is a contradiction in terms, and its nonexistence is well documented.” — Jarod Kintz Philosophy Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as… — Jarod Kintz Swimming pool Copy Share Image
“-Do you have any scary I can borrow? Orafoura asked. -I’m afraid not, I replied.” — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“In a bookstore you can find me in the romance section, because I’m not a lover, I’m a reader.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“When you carry a gun, everything starts looking like a sword. If you pass the butter too quickly, I’m likely to shoot… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.” — Jarod Kintz Relationship Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed on a conveyer belt. It will revolutionize the construction industry! ” — Jarod Kintz Construction industry Copy Share Image
“Being in love is like being lit on fire and having your loved one morph into a marshmallow as she runs to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I got into a car accident. My car was so damaged it changed from white to a purple bruise color.” — Jarod Kintz Car accident Copy Share Image
“I have about as much practice sleeping as everyone else, though I’d like to have more.” — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“He was my distant cousin. Not only was he 50 miles away and 50 years away, but he was just very aloof.” — Jarod Kintz Cousin Copy Share Image
“I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I want to be a politician because I like the idea of public service. Come on, who wouldn’t want all the people… — Jarod Kintz God life Copy Share Image
“To me, the most confusing part about golf is that I don’t know whether I’d rather actually be playing golf, or sitting… — Jarod Kintz Golf Copy Share Image
“The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to… — Jarod Kintz Favorite thing Copy Share Image
“Dark Jar Tin Zoo’s face is sallow, his cheeks sunk in, and he looks like Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” only less colorful.” — Jarod Kintz Edvard Munch Copy Share Image
“I surround myself with salt, so it soaks up the humidity from my steamy solo love making sessions.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“At the Peabody Hotel, you’ll find two things: a pea and a body. Was it murder by starvation? Come spend the night… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think we should change the amount of time in each day. Sunday thru Friday should be reduced from 24 hours down… — Jarod Kintz Friday Copy Share Image
“I’m 30, and his daughter is 18. He said I was too old for her. So I asked him if I was… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I got shingles from my ex girlfriend. But that’s to be expected, since she is a roofer.” — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to help me with the love and affection of Taylor Swift. If that sounds unbelievable, then try… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I went to school to be a comedian. I was always cracking jokes in class. And after they were cracked, the teacher… — Jarod Kintz Teacher Copy Share Image
“Her name was Janice, but I called her Jan because she was born in December—just like Chris T. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to see cats tumble around, but I wish they wouldn’t meow so much when I shove them in the dryer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a rating system I apply to all people. Mao Zedong might have a Meow Factor of four, but I like… — Jarod Kintz Mao Zedong Copy Share Image
