“I had a dream about you last night. We started a shoe company, and a competitor (probably someone from Nike) attacked you,… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“How to arrive unexpectedly and invisibly: show up looking poor, but not homeless.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d collaborate with my clones, because I’m a team player who wants all the credit.” — Jarod Kintz Team player Copy Share Image
“Why is a talkative person called a Chatty Cathy? That phrase possesses brevity, when someone verbose should instead be called a Chattering… — Jarod Kintz Brevity Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than… — Jarod Kintz Worst person Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically… — Jarod Kintz Car salesman Copy Share Image
“Keys, they make it easier to get in and out of doors. So does invisibility.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the Director of Redundancy. I’m also the Director. I make love like I make love, and that is why I am… — Jarod Kintz Cinema Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.” — Jarod Kintz Hold A Grudge Copy Share Image
“An ear shaped like a question mark is not receptive to life’s answers.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Your penis is a whistle. My penis is a flute. And I’ve got a tromboner for your girl.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What’s blacker than black? Does summer shade have a shadow? Is that how loneliness looks and where it lurks?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need money. I suppose I could sell my penis for profit. Or better yet, rent it out so it gets returned… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I tried to make it out in the moment, while we were making out, but now I’ve got it. That odor was… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I want to screw a license plate into your ass. It’ll say HNK F HRNY ” — Jarod Kintz License plate Copy Share Image
“Whether you’re being good, or you’re up to no good, try not to look guilty.” — Jarod Kintz Regret Copy Share Image
“My uncle's a big drinker. In fact, he just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I keep butter in my underwear, because it’s like a meat locker down there. Can I interest you in two rolls of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t get your letter. I did receive it, but I didn’t understand it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
