“I wish there were a way to see through walls. Oh yeah, there is—windows. ” — Jarod Kintz Oh yeah Copy Share Image
“Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.” — Jarod Kintz Cool Copy Share Image
“I decorated my ballsack in his honor. I wrote, “Welcome home, dad.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“We had a mythical love. Some would say, including her, that it didn’t exist.” — Jarod Kintz Exist Copy Share Image
“I once got stabbed with a lightning bolt. True story. (No it isn’t).” — Jarod Kintz Lightning Copy Share Image
“My new mustache is barely big enough to cover my pubic region.” — Jarod Kintz Mustache Copy Share Image
“I had a dream I took the form of Chuck Norris and kicked your ass. Then I impregnated you from across the… — Jarod Kintz Chuck Copy Share Image
“We’ll make plans on sticky notes and we’ll stick to them. We’ll get married, but only after we buy some milk, cereal,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of… — Jarod Kintz Motorcycle Copy Share Image
“I inherited my sense of passion and romance from the Romans. Specifically Nero and all the fire he possessed.” — Jarod Kintz Nero Copy Share Image
“My phone died, so I cremated it along with my grandpa. Well, he was taking up too much room in my freezer.” — Jarod Kintz Grandpa Copy Share Image
“I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat… — Jarod Kintz Offended Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But dammit you’re going to have to hurry, before I bleed out all… — Jarod Kintz Bleed Copy Share Image
“I surround myself with salt, so it soaks up the humidity from my steamy solo love making sessions.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I often laugh at a dog that chases its own tail. But aren’t there some people out there who spend a lot… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“A car’s gas tank should be see-through, so I don’t have to rely on a possibly faulty gauge to tell me it’s… — Jarod Kintz Human heart Copy Share Image
“I wish somebody would combine tasers and dildos, and test the devices out on all the politicians in Washington DC. Well, all… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Everybody who is 100 was at one time 25. But not everybody who is 25 will live to see 100. Likewise, everyone… — Jarod Kintz Big nose Copy Share Image
I can provide a witness who didn't see me at the scene of the crime. That witness can also prove they didn't… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around… — Jarod Kintz Barefoot Copy Share Image
“It’s not hush money. It’s simply dollars backed not by faith, but by shhh.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“I had a hand in getting my clone employment. I gave him a handjob.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“In the spirit of slumber parties, I want to have a sleepover and invite only narcoleptics.” — Jarod Kintz Religion Copy Share Image
“When I’m typing at my keyboard, I often feel like Mozart. Can somebody scratch my Bach? ” — Jarod Kintz Keyboard Copy Share Image
“Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Handcuffs Copy Share Image
“I put the “cat” in category. And not only do I put it there, but I pet it too.” — Jarod Kintz Category Copy Share Image
“Pick a number between one to ten. Now, pick the number that you think I picked you to pick. ” — Jarod Kintz Picked Copy Share Image
“An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee cup Copy Share Image
“Don’t rub noses with a shark. It may be the last dental appointment you ever have.” — Jarod Kintz Dental Copy Share Image
“Love is like a banana, and I keep it in my pocket on cold days to warm up my hand.” — Jarod Kintz Cold days Copy Share Image
“My leadership style can be summed up in one word: Follower.” — Jarod Kintz Follower Copy Share Image
“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.” — Jarod Kintz 24 hours Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it! ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.” — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“This world is nothing more than fresh white underwear, and I’m going to leave my mark on it.” — Jarod Kintz Underwear Copy Share Image
