“I paid her a little visit, and I used a coupon with the purchase.” — Jarod Kintz Coupon Copy Share Image
“Dear Ian, I felt good. I felt like a Christian to the T. Also to the Chris, Ian.” — Jarod Kintz Christian Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a car salesman. (A used car salesman.) ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon.” — Jarod Kintz Brain Copy Share Image
“In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical.” — Jarod Kintz Modern times Copy Share Image
“From where I live now I can walk to the beach, if I have about three weeks.” — Jarod Kintz Beach Copy Share Image
“Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, why don’t you go all out and write… — Jarod Kintz Evils Copy Share Image
“Wisdom is gained like grain for bread, I think as I butter my toast. I’d better butter both sides, just in case… — Jarod Kintz Wisdom Copy Share Image
“I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn't try to play the piano with my nose.” — Jarod Kintz Fingers Copy Share Image
“I’d like to write a screenplay about my grandpa, and I’d like my future grandson to play the part. Talk about a… — Jarod Kintz Grandpa Copy Share Image
“The first man to successfully clone himself deserves to pat himself on the back. And then give himself a back massage.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as one ingredient on the greedy Cake of Love. Other ingredients include: Everything. ” — Jarod Kintz Cake Copy Share Image
“There are many men who deserve to die. The most deserving are those that claim to serve the public, but only serve… — Jarod Kintz Deserving Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent the state of Kansas. Both are flat, both are rectangular, both have tried to insert… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“Planning is worrying, only in a productive, proactive form. Worry has to be a large element of planning, or else how could… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“I’m hypoglycemic and squeamish and liable to pass out at the first sign of blood. That happened this morning. I came into… — Jarod Kintz Blood Copy Share Image
“I met a man named Birthday. I didn’t tell him when I was born, because I thought that that one day in… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“There is nothing more romantic than candles and flowers, except candles that smell like flowers and flowers that can be burned, as… — Jarod Kintz Candles Copy Share Image
“I have a rating system I apply to all people. Mao Zedong might have a Meow Factor of four, but I like… — Jarod Kintz Rating Copy Share Image
“I didn’t have time to grow out a mustache, so I wore a squirrel to the party. Women looked at me like… — Jarod Kintz Mustache Copy Share Image
“I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk discount at the restaurant,… — Jarod Kintz Interview Copy Share Image
“Pizza is circular. So is an hour. I’ll take two slices—to go.” — Jarod Kintz Circular Copy Share Image
“I just baked a cake in the shape of a door. Somebody’s knocking now, so let me get that.” — Jarod Kintz Cake Copy Share Image
“There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.” — Jarod Kintz Pasta Copy Share Image
“The only other man I’d let see my wife’s naked body is the butcher.” — Jarod Kintz Butcher Copy Share Image
“We all make mistakes. Some just manufacture them in a factory and sell them to the public.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“A brick, in the hands of a Mason, could be used to cover up and hide a secret handshake. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I called the cops to see if I had a rap sheet. I do, and it rhymes.” — Jarod Kintz Rapper Copy Share Image
“College is a scam. Why go into debt to get no job when you could be unemployed for FREE?” — Jarod Kintz Career Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp! ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“My name is Meow. At least that’s what my cat calls me. But you can call me after nine.” — Jarod Kintz Calls Copy Share Image
Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up — Jarod Kintz Eating Copy Share Image
“Loneliness is the unloneliest feeling in the world, as everyone has experienced it.” — Jarod Kintz Feeling Copy Share Image
