“A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m opening a restaurant called “To Go.” You’d like to go to To Go, but would you believe it, we won’t have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To live a sinless life is good, but if you live in a cave and positively influence nobody, you may not have… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“When all the trees are dead, I’ll be there, drinking freshly squeezed orange juice.” — Jarod Kintz Orange juice Copy Share Image
Too much nudity is a turn off. Especially if all that flesh is on one person. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He wanted to pay me in agriculture, but I told him, "I need something that's going to put food on the table.” — Jarod KIntz Food Copy Share Image
“In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich.… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“Feathers blowing in the wind is no more a bird than a pile of crumpled up receipts from champagne, chocolate, and flower… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.” — Jarod Kintz Real man Copy Share Image
“After a good run, my legs feel like Jell-O. Somebody get me a spoon and stick a fork in me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As an extreme method of saving, I’d kidnap myself, if I thought I’d actually pay the ransom money before I committed suicide.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to find the Fountain of Youth, because I’m searching for the Fountain of Wisdom. The last time I thought… — Jarod Kintz Fountain of youth Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as an idol you can worship. But be careful, lest God smite thee with His wrath. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It reminds me of something Zelda told her friend about me when she didn’t think I was listening: “I wish he had… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Of course my clone will be handsome. He’ll look exactly like my other clone, won’t he?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as bait for the vampire shark. Since nobody’s ever seen a vampire shark, let alone caught one,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would have made you a cheesecake, but I don’t know how. And I would have bought you a cheesecake, but I… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Grand and Ed, but I don’t take them for granted. ” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I think ethnic jokes are hilarious, all sorts of ethnic jokes. White, black, Mexican, midget. Maybe midgets are not an ethnicity, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
