“Learn body language so you can not only speak it, but misspeak it too.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“She was a pretty good lover. Too bad she wasn’t pretty and good.” — Jarod Kintz Lover Copy Share Image
“The cool thing about unemployment is every day is Saturday.” — Jarod Kintz Every day Copy Share Image
“My ex was a BBW, but she looked Ok. Actually, she looked more like Tx.” — Jarod Kintz Looked Like Copy Share Image
“My thoughts absorb sound like sponges soak up water. Please don’t whistle while I masturbate.” — Jarod Kintz Absorb Sound Copy Share Image
“If I’m having a conversation with my clone, am I having an interior dialogue externally?” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I want to open up a counter-culture club. It’ll be anti-established in 2012.” — Jarod Kintz Anti Copy Share Image
“I can’t even hear the phrase ‘Four score and seven years ago’ without thinking of what?” my mom asked. “A top hat… — Jarod Kintz Seven years Copy Share Image
“Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.” — Jarod Kintz Immature Copy Share Image
“If I could capture the rays of the sun in a can, I'd paint a canvas with it and have you look… — Jarod Kintz Rays Of The Sun Copy Share Image
“His eyes were so blue, and his teeth so yellow, that the overall impression was that his face was green. And it… — Jarod Kintz Eyes Blue Copy Share Image
“He was born after me, and he died before me. I gave him life, and I killed him. He was an idea,… — Jarod Kintz Grandpa Copy Share Image
“As a balloon expands, so too does my love for you with each passing day. To know how I truly feel about… — Jarod Kintz Balloon Copy Share Image
“Shaving a sheep is considered foreplay in some countries. But I don’t consider foreplay at all, not even before sex.” — Jarod Kintz Foreplay Copy Share Image
“I am the egg salad sandwich of love. The only problem is, I’m in the mood for a tuna fish sandwich—hold the… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Her boyfriend can’t hold a candle to me. Especially not while I’m holding the strobe light. It’s hard to do modern dancing… — Jarod Kintz Boyfriend Copy Share Image
“There are two apples, one is green and the other is red. Which apple would the wise man choose? The answer is:… — Jarod Kintz Wisdom Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You took control of my body and forced me to have sex with you. Then you… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“As a thinker, and most writers would consider themselves thinkers, your competition is not only the whole world, but it’s also the… — Jarod Kintz Thinkers Copy Share Image
“They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you drink my soul if you knew I’d use it to… — Jarod Kintz Drink Copy Share Image
“Words failed me at the precise moment I thought I was passing my vocabulary test, and I can’t tell you how that… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“I went through and underlined all the funny lines in his book, and by the time I was done, I had underlined… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I’ll see a tree and be reminded of her. So I’ll have to go have sex with that tree.” — Jarod Kintz Reminded Copy Share Image
“All I took on my trip were my ideas. So, I guess I’m not a light packer.” — Jarod Kintz Took Copy Share Image
“I’m as constant as Constantinople. Now that’s some Istanbul shit.” — Jarod Kintz Constantinople Copy Share Image
“My love is like the collision between a falling statue and still bird poop.” — Jarod Kintz Falling Copy Share Image
“I told the cops I’ve been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I’m reminded of a story I told my 5th grade class in the 4th grade.” — Jarod Kintz Story Told Copy Share Image
“Would you like your cyanide as it is, or by some other name?” — Jarod Kintz Cyanide Copy Share Image
“My skin hasn’t been sleeping. It stays awake just itching for a fight.” — Jarod Kintz Itching Copy Share Image
“There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.” — Jarod Kintz Soup Copy Share Image
“Your penis is a whistle. My penis is a flute. And I’ve got a tromboner for your girl.” — Jarod Kintz Penis Copy Share Image
“If frogs tasted like chicken, I’d gladly jump in the frying pan. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Chicken Copy Share Image
“My name is Dawn. It’s not a female name. I am Sunset’s brother.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
