“I am cursed. Everybody around me dies. It just might take a hundred years for them to do so.” — Jarod Kintz Cursed Copy Share Image
“At the bar, I asked her what she’d like to drink, hoping she’d reply, “Your semen.” — Jarod Kintz Like Drink Copy Share Image
“I want to screw a license plate into your ass. It’ll say HNK F HRNY ” — Jarod Kintz License plate Copy Share Image
“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.” — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.” — Jarod Kintz Fasting Copy Share Image
“People are so particular. Unlike animals, which can be lions, eagles, or sharks, people are only people. (Though some people can easily… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“What makes you think of me? Don’t say nothing. The answer is I make you think of me. And I’ll make you… — Jarod Kintz Make Think Copy Share Image
“It’s been said that the urine of a person with diabetes is sweet, and I want to know which roadside lemonade stand… — Jarod Kintz Roadside Lemonade Copy Share Image
“Messages written across the chest of women’s t-shirts are great, because I can stare at their tits like they are literature.” — Jarod Kintz Tits Copy Share Image
“When I smile, not only do my ears rise, but so does my listening ability. When my mouth goes all Helen Keller,… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“People have been stabbed over spicy chicken sandwiches. The duck farm industry could benefit from that kind of violence to help increase… — Jarod Kintz Duck Copy Share Image
“Science doesn’t listen. Science has mice growing out of its ears. Wait, I mean human ears growing out of its mice.” — Jarod Kintz Science Copy Share Image
“The term “global audience” is misleading and meaningless, but I’m proud to say that I do indeed have a global audience. At… — Jarod Kintz Audience Copy Share Image
“I think the most romantic letter you ever gave me was “W,” because it’s a couple of soul mate “V”s. Or maybe… — Jarod Kintz Letter Copy Share Image
“A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I like to meet people and pretend I’ll never see them again. I tend to value things more if I think it’s… — Jarod Kintz Every moment Copy Share Image
“On my recent trip to Washington DC, I wore a hat I made out of a tin funnel that I covered with… — Jarod Kintz Idiot Copy Share Image
“A brick could be planted on a farm, in the hopes that a house will spring up come harvest. But that idea… — Jarod Kintz Drought Copy Share Image
“Everybody should have their own personal logo. Mine is a smiley face that’s winking, as if I’m passing on secret knowledge. But… — Jarod Kintz Smiley face Copy Share Image
“If body language is 90% of a conversation, then obviously what’s being said is only half as important as what’s not being… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“My hero’s hero is not necessarily my hero, unless my clone’s hero is my clone’s clone.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I sleep in a hyperbolic chamber as spacious as the chamber of commerce. That was hyperbole.” — Jarod Kintz Chamber of commerce Copy Share Image
“I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.” — Jarod Kintz Relationship Copy Share Image
“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.” — Jarod Kintz Alibi Copy Share Image
“Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.” — Jarod Kintz Cannibal Copy Share Image
“Boil your drinking water, and drink the water surrounding you in your bathtub.” — Jarod Kintz Bathtub Copy Share Image
“I try not to sell myself short, unless I’m giving myself a great price on the stuff.” — Jarod Kintz Short Unless Copy Share Image
“You don’t have the shadow volume to sit next to me in the sunshine of truth.” — Jarod Kintz Light Copy Share Image
“I have failed, and I should bury my failure. I need a trowel (it was a small failure).” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“I saw you see me like a seesaw, and I knew you were the one to be number two.” — Jarod Kintz Seesaw Copy Share Image
“My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it. ” — Jarod Kintz Stolen Copy Share Image
“A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed. ” — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
