“We couldn’t make love, unfortunately, because she was dead. I didn’t kill her, if that’s what you’re wondering. She died long before… — Jarod Kintz Biggest mistake Copy Share Image
“As we were walking home the other night, Orafoura turned to me and said, “Were you aware that there are places in… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I drink sleep, but not like I drink coffee. I chug one and sip the other.” — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“While getting a haircut, I thought about my failed marriage. Instead of feeling bad, I thought I’d grow a beard, move to… — Jarod Kintz Failed marriage Copy Share Image
“The Road To Serfdom is about capitalism. That’s why on the side of that road you’ll find me, in a kiosk, selling… — Jarod Kintz Economics Copy Share Image
“A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Based solely on the mustache, who would you rather be: Mark Twain, Rollie Fingers, or Frida Kahlo?” — Jarod Kintz Frida Kahlo Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. Our relationship faded from red to white, and somewhere in the middle, in the pink zone,… — Jarod Kintz Another woman Copy Share Image
“If love had two wings and rhymed with “mutter-lie,” could I be your caterpillar? All I’m asking for is a little time… — Jarod Kintz Little time Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“If my name were Theodore Tiffany, my goal in life would be to meet and marry a woman named Tiffany Theodore. I… — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists,… — Jarod Kintz Animal lover Copy Share Image
“Dating is all about getting to know somebody, without wasting a lot of time or money. What is the price of love?… — Jarod Kintz Assembly line Copy Share Image
“Mr. Pullum is a dick, and if he were two dicks, he’d like to pullum both.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind… — Jarod Kintz Fall in love Copy Share Image
“I’m strapped for cash, and I’m also strapped to a chair in someone’s basement.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only nutritional sustenance I need is praise, flattery, and potassium in the form of bananas.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sandwiches come in shrink-wrap—therefore, I must masturbate with gloves on. Lunchtime! The coffee’s stale but the cream will be fresh.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If there’s a 50% chance of rain, I guess it means it’ll be half sunny. Relationships are similar, with my love being… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Things should go where I intend them to go, not where I tend to put them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Tanks are so big and expensive they should be Buy One Get One Free. If they were, I’d buy 60 of them… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
