“2001 was a great year. It was the first year I declared myself the “Man of the Century.” — Jarod Kintz Great year Copy Share Image
“I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.” — Jarod Kintz Drink Copy Share Image
“I love conducting double blind experiments with unsuspecting peeping Toms.” — Jarod Kintz Peeping Copy Share Image
“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.” — Jarod Kintz Burns Copy Share Image
“If I bottled ginger ale, it’d be made from the finest red hair available.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“I can’t do my job, if you don’t do yours. I also can’t do my job, so can you do mine too?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He was a vegetable, so trying to change his mind was fruitless.” — Jarod Kintz Fruitless Copy Share Image
“When I show up at a networking event, I’m like a tree in a forest. Sure, I look like everybody else, but… — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“I found Waldo. He was in a strip club. He was hard to spot, because he’d already stripped off his red and… — Jarod Kintz Red and white Copy Share Image
“When you’re embarrassed, you turn red. When I blush, I turn plaid. I network at kilt conventions, so even if I say… — Jarod Kintz Blush Copy Share Image
“I was forced to eat crow. I was so embarrassed that I would have eaten any other bird, including ostrich.” — Jarod Kintz Eat Crow Copy Share Image
“My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“Through the machine I want access to Agatha’s mind. What machine? The Orafoura Gigometer Dream Accesser 4000 (The Utopian version, not the… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“They should make blindfolds with circles cut out where the eyes are, so kidnappers would be able to tell when their victims‘… — Jarod Kintz Blindfolds Copy Share Image
“Last week I placed a hand-written sign in front of my neighborhood that read, “Lost Mustache. Please do not feed. If found,… — Jarod Kintz Cat lady Copy Share Image
“L and V, both angular. O and E, both vowels. Coupled together, like a couple of couples coupling and copulating, and you… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like a simile, and I’d like it. But not as much as I’d like it if you… — Jarod Kintz Simile Copy Share Image
“I met a man from Columbia who had a table for a back. I asked if it was a coffee table. He… — Jarod Kintz Asked Copy Share Image
“Love has a shape, but no color. You’re probably wondering, “If it’s transparent, how do you know what shape it is?” Good… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Dear Natalie, In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“Tonight when she came down to the front desk she was wearing neon green hot pants and a pink leopard print jacket.… — Jarod Kintz Front desk Copy Share Image
“I want to meet a woman named Sherry who only drinks brandy, and a woman named Brandy who only drinks sherry. Then… — Jarod Kintz Brandy Copy Share Image
“If I could lick the sunset, I’ll bet it would taste like Neapolitan ice cream.” — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.” — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“I know what it means to be alone, especially in a large group of clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.” — Jarod Kintz Ghost town Copy Share Image
“Guns don’t kill people. Politicians with sharp tongues do.” — Jarod Kintz Amendment Copy Share Image
“If you can listen to or read anything, but misspelled words offend you, raise your hadn.” — Jarod Kintz Misspelled Copy Share Image
“My book is awful,” I said. “Nonsense,” Dora J. Arod said. “Your book is nonsense.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“I just peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already somebody in the bathtub.” — Jarod Kintz Just Peed Copy Share Image
“The Nile crashed in the Amazon while being piloted by Miss Ississippi.” — Jarod Kintz Nile Copy Share Image
“Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.” — Jarod Kintz Cool Copy Share Image
“We had a mythical love. Some would say, including her, that it didn’t exist.” — Jarod Kintz Exist Copy Share Image
“I decorated my ballsack in his honor. I wrote, “Welcome home, dad.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
