“I called, but the phones were all tied up. And so were the operators who normally answer them. Some were even gagged… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I found Waldo. He was in a strip club. He was hard to spot, because he’d already stripped off his red and… — Jarod Kintz Red and white Copy Share Image
“In a relationship, I’m committed to giving her 100% of 50%.” — Jarod Kintz Relationship Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Let’s say we’re making love on the moon, and my clone decides to show up. Would you tell… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“She asked me if I wanted to have sex, and I replied, “With you, or in general?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not that I don’t have the drive to succeed, but rather I don’t have the gas.” — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library. ” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Eyes are shaped like leaves, mouths are shaped like leaves, and goodbyes are shaped like leaves. But my love, that is shaped… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I make sleep like I make love, only with more energy and excitement.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a time travel device. I didn’t say it would work well, and you’d say it didn’t… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were a lone candle on a barren vanilla cake, and I was the mighty breath… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I am the bow of love. I’m also the bow of hate. Same spelling, different pronunciations and meanings. Would you like me… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have a memory like a baseball glove, so please, don’t toss me a basketball-sized rumination.” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Thomas Jefferson is by far the smartest president,” said Thomas Jefferson, about Thomas Jefferson, and to Thomas Jefferson. Even though he was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.” — Jarod Kintz Good enough Copy Share Image
“Every second is a moment before the unknown. Only the now is known. Life is a continuous known unknown.” — Jarod Kintz Every second Copy Share Image
Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to go to the grocery store because I’ve got nothing in my fridge but an old t-shirt, a pair of… — Jarod Kintz Grocery store Copy Share Image
“The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough… — Jarod Kintz Bad news Copy Share Image
