“To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.” — Jarod Kintz Beer Copy Share Image
“I’m not going to beg for my clone to get on his knees and grovel.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Ben Bernanke is like an economist on a misty morning, because he hasn’t the foggiest clue.” — Jarod Kintz Economics Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to silence your critics. Well, unless all your critics are mutes. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.” — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“Probably when people hear our national anthem they think of me. A real American hero.” — Jarod Kintz American hero Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to better improve relations with your relatives. But if you’re going to play quarterback, you’d better be… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.” — Jarod Kintz Every second Copy Share Image
“I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.” — Jarod Kintz Duplicate Copy Share Image
“Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the… — Jarod Kintz Cat Copy Share Image
“I get along with everybody. You know this because everybody is a jerk, yet when all these jerks meet me they are… — Jarod Kintz Jerk Copy Share Image
“My name is Sam (my name is Am), and I am my own fan. I’m a clone of Jarod Kintz, and he… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“My first coaching experience led to a 77-0 defeat. But that’s not so bad, considering I taught the team one important thing:… — Jarod Kintz Coaching Copy Share Image
“I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even… — Jarod Kintz Identity Copy Share Image
“If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for… — Jarod Kintz Looking for a man Copy Share Image
“It’s not what you wear that sets you apart from your fellow man, but what you don’t wear. I don’t wear pants,… — Jarod Kintz Fellow man Copy Share Image
“Working in the hotel business I have learned a lot about people. It’s amazing what you can discover about someone by watching… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You owned a farm, and you grew teamwork, because yours was an ant farm. I was… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Three people are interviewing for a job. The first thinks his odds are 33.3 percent of landing the job. The second guy,… — Jarod Kintz Chance Copy Share Image
“I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because… — Jarod Kintz Plane Copy Share Image
“I kiss like a skyscraper meets the sky, only with less scraping and more vertigo.” — Jarod Kintz Kiss Like Copy Share Image
“Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.” — Jarod Kintz Driving Copy Share Image
“I don’t belong to a political party, because I don’t feel invited.” — Jarod Kintz Belong Copy Share Image
“I had a hand in getting my clone employment. I gave him a handjob.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“In the spirit of slumber parties, I want to have a sleepover and invite only narcoleptics.” — Jarod Kintz Religion Copy Share Image
“When I’m typing at my keyboard, I often feel like Mozart. Can somebody scratch my Bach? ” — Jarod Kintz Keyboard Copy Share Image
“Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Handcuffs Copy Share Image
“My new mustache is barely big enough to cover my pubic region.” — Jarod Kintz Mustache Copy Share Image
“It’s not hush money. It’s simply dollars backed not by faith, but by shhh.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“I once got stabbed with a lightning bolt. True story. (No it isn’t).” — Jarod Kintz Lightning Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it! ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“Love is like a banana, and I keep it in my pocket on cold days to warm up my hand.” — Jarod Kintz Cold days Copy Share Image
