“I won't read a book whose pages have been dog-eared, because I'm more of a cat person.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“I’ll write something that’s 111% true. It’ll be so true that it’ll be 100% false.” — Jarod Kintz False Copy Share Image
“I’ve been to the Big House. Not prison, but the Biltmore Estate.” — Jarod Kintz Estate Copy Share Image
“I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.” — Jarod Kintz Feel Copy Share Image
“Before I make you boss, I want to tattoo “Assistant” around your asshole.” — Jarod Kintz Tattoo Copy Share Image
“What is your SPM (sperm per meal) content? A politician’s is very high.” — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
“You don’t happen to have any happiness, do you? Can I borrow a cup?” — Jarod Kintz Borrow Copy Share Image
“If I say “No decision has been made,” it’s a lie—because I have decided to remain undecided.” — Jarod Kintz Choice Copy Share Image
“If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I sat down to think. I didn’t want to drink my coffee, but I paid for it, so I thought I might… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I turned my hand over just in time to avoid a slap on the wrist. I was applauded for my effort.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword.” — Jarod Kintz Honest Copy Share Image
“I didn't have romantic feelings for her, but my penis did. So what else could I do but obey the Master?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I was born with a lazy eye. It didn’t define me as a person. It did, however, define me as a voyeur.” — Jarod Kintz Lazy Copy Share Image
“I knew it, but I knew you didn’t know I knew it, so I knew to not let you know I knew… — Jarod Kintz Knew Copy Share Image
“At the end of the universe you’ll find a door labeled “Do Not Enter.” No great mysteries are hidden there—it’s just a… — Jarod Kintz Door Copy Share Image
“If you have one dollar and I have a hundred dollars, I could say I have a hundred times the amount of… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I prefer kissing over dinner. Not that I prefer kissing to dinner, but I prefer kissing over the plate containing my dinner,… — Jarod Kintz Dinner Especially Copy Share Image
“She’s not showing any interest in me and she looks like she doesn’t want to be here. Should I take off her… — Jarod Kintz Fall in love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a giant piece of paper. Most people just want to cum on it, but occasionally someone… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“Orafoura: You just used the bathroom, but did you wash your hands? Me: No. Orafoura: That’s gross. Me: Why is that gross?… — Jarod Kintz Wash Hands Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don't actually have… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations,… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.” — Jarod Kintz Grudge Copy Share Image
“My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.” — Jarod Kintz Blue sky Copy Share Image
“An umbrella is a portable shelter. My penis is a portable people maker. ” — Jarod Kintz Umbrella Copy Share Image
“She’s my compliment. That’s a kind way of saying I’m lacking.” — Jarod Kintz Compliment Copy Share Image
“I covered up my mistakes—with dirt, like you’d do with any other dead bodies.” — Jarod Kintz Dirt Copy Share Image
“My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.” — Jarod Kintz Every night Copy Share Image
“I used to live with someone of the opposite sex. It’s called a sister, and I don’t have one.” — Jarod Kintz Opposite Copy Share Image
“When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.” — Jarod Kintz Heaven Copy Share Image
“Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I don’t endorse my checks, because what, am I just going to give away free autographs?” — Jarod Kintz Autograph Copy Share Image
“Politicians think the only way out of a hole is to keep digging.” — Jarod Kintz Digging Copy Share Image
“If Warren Buffet made chocolate, I’ll bet it’d be really rich. And corrupt.” — Jarod Kintz Buffet Copy Share Image
“My advice to men is this: Don’t rape a Pringles can, because empty does not mean void of no.” — Jarod Kintz Advice Copy Share Image
“Anyone want some of my foot long sub? It’s huge! It’s nearly half as long as my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Huge Copy Share Image
