“You’re already older than the last time I saw you, and I just saw you right before I blinked.” — Jarod Kintz Last time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no… — Jarod Kintz Helen Keller Copy Share Image
“I wanted a ponytail for my 16th birthday, but daddy never bought me one. He thought that not only would I not… — Jarod Kintz Young lady Copy Share Image
“I like the crunch sound of snow under my boots. Better than stepping on knuckles.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my father were Cupid, and my mother were Helen Keller, I suppose I probably would subscribe to the notion that “Love… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I think guns would be more effective if bullets worked like boomerangs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container.… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I’ll read a book and feel it was written just for me. Then I’ll flip the book over to look at… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Give me a smelly hello, and a tasty goodbye. The two are connected, and without the first, you couldn’t enjoy the second.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got some body work done. Both to my car, and to my clone. Now my car looks like a complete stranger,… — Jarod Kintz Body work Copy Share Image
“Most men want sex, without the kids or commitment. I want sex, but I don’t want to have to pay any money.… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Tickets are 40 bucks at the window, and 190 bucks if you actually go through the window to get them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to bring as much love into the world as I can. Where am I bringing it from? I’m going to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Some things change, and some things stay the same. The things that change are the things that I wish stayed the same,… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with… — Jarod Kintz Cheap labor Copy Share Image
“If I win in the nick of time, I’ll spread my congrats evenly to every Nick in the stands. I’ll give them… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Growing up, I went through an awkward stage. It lasted from birth to last Tuesday.” — Jarod Kintz Birth Copy Share Image
“If a cold breeze signifies a ghost, then the arctic must be really haunted. I’m going there next week, because I’ve got… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Do I look like someone you know? Well you don’t know me, so why don’t you go bother my clone? And if… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Eat breakfast Copy Share Image
“I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My clones just honored me with the 2012 Man of the Year Award. But I wasn’t fooled—I knew they were really honoring… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure… — Jarod Kintz Ex wife Copy Share Image
