“I’d rate his work at four stars. Of course, he is a general, so maybe I could pin my rating on his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In bed, I could climb in, if you ever rest. Then I could mount you like Everest.” — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My banana is decomposing in my pocket. I was happy to see you, but now I’m brown and soft and sort of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop time. I did it once at my uncle’s house, and I nearly wrecked the universe.… — Jarod Kintz Stop time Copy Share Image
“Even if I worked in the corruption capital of the world, Washington DC, I wouldn’t be a whistleblower. I’m more into flutes.” — Jarod Kintz Corruption Copy Share Image
“Orafoura was yelling at his dog (not a German shepherd) in German, and I thought, “I didn’t realize dogs can speak German.” — Jarod Kintz German Shepherd Copy Share Image
“I don’t eat food with silverware—I use sponges. I always clean my plate.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing special about politicians as people. Now as animals, they’d be extraordinary for their ability to be intelligent enough (barely) to… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Business idea: Merge a billiard table with a golf course, and make the pockets as deep as a typical politician's pants.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.” — Jarod Kintz Productivity Copy Share Image
“If a man’s a constant hand-shaker, he must be a politician or a crook—or both, if he is a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I’m rich in poverty. I got no money coming out of my ass. I’m up to my neck in broke.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“The Mythical Mr. Boo is so mythical the he always likes to be the centaur of attention.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m thinking of moving my cloning factory to someplace less visible, like in front of a fogged mirror.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I say something, I mean what I say, despite what a dictionary says I mean. Meanings of words are slaves that… — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My sheets are so white they look like Google’s homepage. They even have a touch of red on them, from that double… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The window of life is mirrored. And tinted. And shattered. And borrowed.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you… — Jarod Kintz Pain Copy Share Image
