“Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“The big uncookable sections of who we are, they’re the ones I love to taste the most.” — Jarod Kintz Taste Copy Share Image
“I’m people wealthy. My grandchildren have grandchildren, some of whom are even older than me.” — Jarod Kintz Grandchildren Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Maybe one day I could fly all over the world and meet other interesting birds.” — Jarod Kintz Birds Copy Share Image
“I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.” — Jarod Kintz Glows Copy Share Image
“I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.” — Jarod Kintz Backseat Copy Share Image
“If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.” — Jarod Kintz Away Copy Share Image
“You will know my power when you feel me compress you into a ball and bowl with you. I make love like… — Jarod Kintz Feel Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to illustrate your innocence. I can help you with that, because I brought a crayon. ” — Jarod Kintz Crayon Copy Share Image
“When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Stop Think Copy Share Image
“I can do what Olympians couldn’t do. Of course they couldn’t do it because they were infants when I picked a moment… — Jarod Kintz Olympians Copy Share Image
“Love is a gift you receive by giving. The more love you give, the more love you get. Try it out today,… — Jarod Kintz Giving love Copy Share Image
“What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I'd be lying. Actually, I'm only pretending that you aren't… — Jarod Kintz Lying Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“When I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to… — Jarod Kintz Saxophone Copy Share Image
“It was May 2009, and I didn’t like where the economy was headed. (I wished the Federal Reserve had a GPS or… — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“I once saw the world’s ugliest baby drown. But then I realized, “That’s not a baby, that’s a log. And it’s not… — Jarod Kintz Ugliest Baby Copy Share Image
“I decided to write this piece because my internal critic told me to write it. At least I think he told me… — Jarod Kintz Speaks french Copy Share Image
“Hey, turn down the volume on your “How To Make Love Like Lucifer Hand Guide Volume II” audio book a little bit.… — Jarod Kintz Fire Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to ward off warts. I tested it out last Tuesday on my Aunt Velma, and she doesn’t… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“Being vulgar to be funny is a crutch, and I prefer wheelchairs.” — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“What I know about being in love can be summed up in three words: Huh, who me?” — Jarod Kintz Know Copy Share Image
“I am the leprechaun I rainbow into being. Buy me a beer, and get to know my inner midget.” — Jarod Kintz Leprechaun Copy Share Image
“On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars. ” — Jarod Kintz Dollar Copy Share Image
“I’m such a germaphobe that I think sanitation gloves should be thicker than boxing gloves.” — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“I made out like a bandit. Not that I’ve ever made out with a bandit.” — Jarod Kintz Bandit Copy Share Image
“I’d like to play a game of Marco Polo—in the 13th century.” — Jarod Kintz Marco polo Copy Share Image
“Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.” — Jarod Kintz Walking around Copy Share Image
“Garbage truck beepers belong in a symphony. Or would that really put the phony in symphony?” — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“I treat women like royalty. But not from a Bolshevik perspective.” — Jarod Kintz Bolshevik Copy Share Image
“I knew a woman named Hope once, and boy did she fill me with her first name.” — Jarod Kintz Hope Copy Share Image
“I once went toe to toe with an international thumb war champion.” — Jarod Kintz Thumb Copy Share Image
“Siamese twins have it great because one can jack off while the other talks dirty.” — Jarod Kintz Twin Copy Share Image
“A farm is a business, and I ran mine into the ground. The next year it grew back.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
