« All Funny Quotes · Mitch Hedberg's Page
Funny Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
- Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
- So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have…
- We don't have to fix anything.
- Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
- My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of…
- Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet…
- I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
- Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
- I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
- I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
- A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
- My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he…
- I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it…
- I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
- Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
- People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.
- Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
- I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should…
- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
- An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs.…
- A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
- I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking…
- I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
- Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin