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All Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
- I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But…
- I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After…
- Mitchâ€, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
- I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right.'
- I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
- I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning.…
- Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
- Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget…
- I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have…
- Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
- All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
- I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
- I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning.…
- I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and…
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- . . . a basic law: the more you practice the art of thankfulness, the more you have to be thankful for.… — Norman Vincent Peale
- Whenever my pocket money fall short. I start to think my life sucks. Then I think about all those out there who… — Anurag Prakash Ray
- Don't be selfish and tell me why you're unfollowing me so I can retweet it for the rest and we all can… — Nikhil Saluja
- All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire. — Aristotle
- Democracy arises out of the notion that those who are equal in any respect are equal in all respects; because men are… — Aristotle
- No cause is left but the most ancient of all, the one, in fact, that from the beginning of our history has… — Hannah Arendt
- At his best, man is the noblest of all animals; separated from law and justice he is the worst. — Aristotle
- Throughout all of this confusion, I hope I somehow get to you. I practice all the things I'd say to tell you… — Superman