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Know Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
- I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
- I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
- I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you…
- My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of…
- I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.
- My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If…
- I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
- People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.
- I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it,…
- My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the…
- I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
- I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
- You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the…
- I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
- I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make their…
- What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street... It's…
- Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a…
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