« All You Quotes · Mitch Hedberg's Page
You Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
- An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs.…
- I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking…
- I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but…
- I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
- Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
- Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget…
- I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you…
- I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
- You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the…
- When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
- I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have…
- It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
- If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
- Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I…
- Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
- I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of…
- It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
More You Quotes
- Dedicate yourself to the good you deserve and desire for yourself. Give yourself peace of mind. You deserve to be happy. You… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore… — Pietro Aretino
- If you want to annoy your neighbors, tell the truth about them. — Pietro Aretino
- Flattery and deceit are the darlings of great men, and so with these men spread the butter on thick, if you want… — Pietro Aretino
- Having been a child actor, I remember how directors would trick me to get good performances out of me. I don't think… — Asia Argento
- In Italy the censor is very old and there are many judges and psychiatrists who analyse you. — Dario Argento
- I do think the heart can balance out the mind, if your heart is in a good place it can give you… — Alexis Arguello
- I believe more in precision, when you have the capability, like when you see a mosquito fly and you're able to hit… — Alexis Arguello
- I'd take precision any day over power; as far as being tactical you know you have to see what's going on in… — Alexis Arguello
- Haiti, Haiti, the further I am from you, the less I breathe. Haiti, I love you, and I will love you always.… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- When you care about human beings, you do your best to not repress and to not let people to repress and to… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide