Mitch Hedberg Quotes

172 quotes in 1950 categories

• Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
• Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it…
• I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey…
• I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
• Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a…
• If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
• I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude,…
• What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
• I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But…
• I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
• Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!
• Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
• Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.
• Come on 'long prosperous life!'
• Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
• Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase…
• Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
• No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.
• Then let's print up some flyers!
• Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a…

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