All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. All
- I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs… Army
- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Died
- I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. Ask
- An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs.… Become Stairs
- A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Comedy
- I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking… Block
- I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but… Bars
- My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the… Belt
- I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Dating
- I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. Code
- Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Eat
- Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget… All
- I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as… Blowing
- I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you… Brain
- Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? Cool
- I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. Birthday
- A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Feet
- The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Depressing
- I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. Cube