All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated. Alphabet
- I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Bread
- I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. Get Real
- When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car… Acid
- I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language. Inspirational
- I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... Golf
- So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have… Convince
- Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two… Big
- I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take… Carcasses
- We don't have to fix anything. Fix
- Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that… Allowed
- Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came… Ago
- At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9… Asked
- I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity… Camera
- Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss Bite
- Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But… Actually Crying
- I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After… All
- A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace… Ask
- I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you… Available
- One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when… Bit