All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she… Actress
- Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000… Eat
- If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. Dollar
- Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps Food
- I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out,… Argument
- I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money… Act
- I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make their… Available
- What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street... It's… Chance
- I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload… Arrived
- I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. Addicted
- Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000… Eat
- I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk… Anger
- I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning.… All
- Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made… Comedy
- I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and… Add
- My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress,… Acting
- Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a… Cocky
- I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'.… Accidentally
- I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of… Bills
- I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel… Animals