All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of… Amazing
- Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' Assume
- I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Combination
- I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Inspirational
- This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. Clean
- I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. Always Lose
- Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I… Comedy
- Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. All
- I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. Addicted
- I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. Especially
- I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. Human
- I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. Cart
- I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. Better
- I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of… Bunch
- All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. All
- It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? Ape
- If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. Draw
- I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. Day
- I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. Adding
- Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. Bologna