All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Alcohol
- Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it… Alcohol
- I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey… Bologna
- I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it. Great
- Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a… Back Flip
- If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic. Alcoholic
- I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude,… Asleep
- What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. Drinking
- I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But… All
- I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time. Cause
- Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned! Adjourned
- Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! Improved
- Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break. Break
- Come on 'long prosperous life!' Inspirational
- Have you ever tried sugar or PCP? Ever Tried
- Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase… Any
- Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Convenience
- No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones. Cones
- Then let's print up some flyers! Flyers
- Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a… Beheaded