All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Boiling
- I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Cause
- I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. Drug
- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Comedy
- I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Any
- I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. Four
- I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. Crate
- Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Book
- You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the… Catch
- When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. Flyer
- Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. Adult
- I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. Funny
- I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Addict
- People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though… Been
- I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have… All
- My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' Asked
- It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. Cocky
- If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. Carrots
- If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. Any
- Dogs are forever in the push up postion. Comedy
- Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of… Amazing
- Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' Assume
- I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Combination
- I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Inspirational
- This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. Clean