All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... Golf
- So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have… Convince
- Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two… Big
- I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take… Carcasses
- We don't have to fix anything. Fix
- Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that… Allowed
- Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came… Ago
- At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9… Asked
- I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity… Camera
- Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss Bite
- Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But… Actually Crying
- I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After… All
- A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace… Ask
- I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you… Available
- One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when… Bit
- I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my… Angry
- It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky... Dance
- Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together. All
- I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right.' All
- My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of… Animal
- Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet… Always Fight
- I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others. Felt
- Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that. Funny
- I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large,… Bigfoot
- I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves. Believe