« All Comedy Quotes · Mitch Hedberg's Page
Comedy Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
- I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
- I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
- A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
- My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he…
- I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning.…
- I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it…
- Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
- An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs.…
- A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
- I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking…
- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
- Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
- Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
- I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
- Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I…
- I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of…
- I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out,…
- I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning.…
- Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made…
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