« All Comedy Quotes · Mitch Hedberg's Page
Comedy Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
- I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
- I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
- A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
- My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he…
- I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning.…
- I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it…
- Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
- An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs.…
- A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
- I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking…
- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
- Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
- Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
- I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
- Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I…
- I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of…
- I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out,…
- I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning.…
- Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made…
- I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and…
- My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress,…
- Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a…
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- You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest. — Rowan Atkinson
- Monty Python crowd; half of them came from Cambridge, and half of them came from Oxford. But, there seems to be this… — Rowan Atkinson
- Comedy, drama, Westerns, sci-fi... it's all fine if the story's compelling and the character is interesting to me. I do like action… — Jensen Ackles
- Don't get me wrong, there are sometimes if I go and see a really funny comedy, that I wished I had smoked… — Stephen Baldwin
- The only thing I would unequivocally say is that I have never had any interest in romantic comedy I just couldn't do… — Christian Bale
- I will never say never, but I will say never to doing the more typical romantic comedies. You know, unless I'm getting… — Christian Bale
- In terms of the romantic kind of lead, I just never enjoy those movies very much. Maybe they'll come to interest me… — Christian Bale
- I would never say never to returning to comedy. — Eric Bana
- By the time I finished comedy, I was really burnt out of it. I had had enough. I don't really have a… — Eric Bana
- I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form. — Roseanne Barr