All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning.… All
- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait". Dude
- If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to… Boat
- I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it… Achieve
- I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible. Funny
- I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Any
- I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. Clock
- Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. Behind
- I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain… Certain
- People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on. Floor
- When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. Bed
- I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like… Far
- Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. Degree
- If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit. Block
- Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? Amazing
- I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it,… Bad
- Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why… Another Step
- I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. Animal
- I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in.… Any
- I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should… Bugs