All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my… Angry
- It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky... Dance
- Mitchâ€, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together. All
- I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right.' All
- My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of… Animal
- Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet… Always Fight
- I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others. Felt
- Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that. Funny
- I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large,… Bigfoot
- I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves. Believe
- That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food… Bad
- My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If… Dude
- I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought… Bottom
- A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef. Bag
- On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means… Ahead
- I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating… Anniversary
- I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish. Around Star
- I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all. All
- A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. Candy
- My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he… Answer