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Best Funny Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
- I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you…
- Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
- I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
- I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
- People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though…
- Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
- Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of…
- This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
- I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
- Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I…
- I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
- I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
- I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of…
- All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
- I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out,…
- I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money…
- I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make their…
- I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning.…
- My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress,…
- Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a…
- My fake plants died because I forgot to water them
More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin